Two Year Anniversary of Recovery

Today, February 1^st, is a very important day for me. Two years ago is the day I had my first apt with my current therapist, and the day I finally began to get serious about recovery. After having suffered from an eating disorder for over four years and having been in and out of other therapists and nutritionists to not much avail, I remember being absolutely terrified, and feeling not at all ready or able to take the steps needed to finally recover.

            These past two years have been an extremely long journey, full of many ups and down, relapses and triumphs. The one constant though is that I have never given up on my goal of becoming fully recovered and free of this disorder. Looking back, I can hardly even recognize the girl I was two years ago. She was so weak, broken, and beaten down by her eating disorder that she did not know how to fight anymore. She hardly had the will. At my first apt I was hardly able to speak for myself, or articulate how I was feeling or what I wanted or needed. Now, after hundreds of sessions, time spent in an amazing treatment center, and countless self-reflection and hours of hard work, I have learned so much about myself and what I deserve and want out of life. I am well on the road to finally being recovered from this disorder, and being able to help people in the same position that I was two years ago.

            Two years later, the person I am now is strong, Independent, and believes in herself and her recovery more than she ever thought possible. I know I am not recovered yet, and I still have a long way to go, but I am nowhere near where I used to be, and I am so proud of the work I’ve done and the woman I am becoming. There was a time when I honestly never thought I would get here, yet here I am, in Boston, a city which I love at a school I love, working everyday to live life to the fullest and recover and grow more and more every day.

            So much has changed in only two years. Since February 1^st 2013, My life and myself are almost unrecognizable. I am so excited to see what the next two years bring, and how much I am able to grow and change and love and live life to the fullest. Over these past two years I have grown excited again for life and for the future, and I cant wait to see what it will bring.

Today I am so grateful for recovery, and for al the amazing opportunities and people it has brought into my life over the past two years. I am so thankful for the time and life it has given me, and all it has allowed me to live and experience and enjoy and love. Thanks to taking that first step two years ago, my life has been brighter and had more potential than I could ever imagine. I am so so grateful and proud.

Thanks for reading!

Instead of What We Can Lose This Year, What Can We Gain?

Often, especially around the New Year, people make goals for the upcoming year, to lose weight and get into better shape. While wanting to live a healthy lifestyle is good and well, all too often, these goals of changing ones outward appearance are tied to inward happiness and satisfaction. People think that once they weigh less, fit into a smaller size, or can lift more at the gym, then they will finally like themselves. Then they will finally be happy.


The problem with this sort of goal is that unfortunately, you will always be disappointed. Even if you manage to become healthier and get to a shape you think you should be, it will never bring happiness. It will still be the same you, the same person who was not necessarily happy before, simply trapped inside a smaller body. Losing weight will never make you a different person. You will not be more confident, more assertive, more successful, or happier. If you were insecure before, you will simply be a smaller, more in shape, insecure person. If you were depressed before, no amount of outward healthy living will make you happier and more fulfilled. 

I think one thing this problem stems from is the fact that in our society and media, happiness is extremely tied with physical appearance. We are made to believe that if we simply lose xx pounds, wear more expensive makeup, get rid of our wrinkles, or spend more hours in the gym, suddenly we will be happy, well liked, and successful. Our society has made millions upon millions of dollars making people like you and me believe this idea. Unfortunately however, it is one of the biggest lies we will ever be made to believe.

You have inside of you the power to be tremendously happy and fulfilled, right now, but nothing physical will ever get you there. It will take a lot of work, but you can become comfortable with yourself exactly as you are in this moment. healthy or not. thin or not. muscled or not. You do not need to lose weight to love yourself. All you have to do is learn that you are perfectly wonderful and competent exactly as you are, right here right now. Exactly as you are, you are deserving of your own and other people's love, affection, attention, and respect. Once you believe this, whole new worlds of opportunities, experiences, and happiness will open up to you, and you will feel deserving of every wonderful thing that life throws your way, and that you work hard to bring into your life. 

So this New Years, lets not make our resolutions about how many pounds we want to drop, how many servings of vegetables we think we should have day, or how many hours we will need to spend in the gym to burn off our self hatred. Instead, lets resolve to spend more time meditating, writing, drawing, or doing whatever makes you feel connected to yourself.  Lets spend more time with the people we love and who love us, for exactly who we are. Lets spend more time doing things that make us feel happy, passionate, and fulfilled. This year, instead of focusing on what we have to lose, lets focus on all the things we can gain, like confidence, compassion, and excitement for our lives. Because all of us have so much to live for, and so much to be happy about. If we spend our time focusing on outward appearances, we will never be able to see that. This year, Lets turn our gazes inward, and make 2015 the best year, and the year you become the best, and happiest you that you can possibly be.

Thanks for reading!

New Years Resolutions

I know I am a few days late, but the beginning of the new year is an excellent opportunity to reflect and create goals for yourself on how you would like the next year to unfold. Goals or resolutions can be a powerful tool to motivate a person to enact change and improve their life, and stick with it. While often times New Years resolutions seem to dwindle off a few weeks into the new year, writing them down and showing them to other people can help hold you accountable and motivated to stick with them. 
Here are some of my resolutions and goals for 2015:

1. This year, I want to allow myself to be truly happy, without excuse or reason. Just because I am. 
2. I also want to let myself by sad, and allow myself to feel it instead of suppressing or pushing it away
3. I want this to be there year where I make real, huge, positive gains in my recovery. Im talking 6 months to a whole year without purging, weighing myself, or consciously hurting myself in any way. This will be the year recovery gets real and true for me. 
4. I want to begin to really love my body this year. I know it might be unrealistic to think I can truly love my body in a years time, but I want to try, and I want to get as close as I can.
5. I want to write every single day.
6. I want to help people every day in any small way I can.
7. I want to stop this year from judging people for things that I wouldn't want to be judged for. Unfounded gossip or judgment is never good, and is only painful and harmful to all involved, and I want to love people for their flaws, rather than judge them on them.  
8. I want to exercise because it feels good, and I want to treat my body well. Not to lose weight, or as punishment for eating or treating myself.
9. I want to learn to communicate what I truly want and need, and learn to say no, instead of putting up with things I might not want just to make other people happy.
10. I want to put myself first this year, and to treat my mind, body, and soul, with the love and respect they deserve. 

What are your New Years Resolutions lovelies? 

Fighting Harder on the Bad Days

Some days, I wake up and I feel great. I feel alright about my body, reasonably confident and competent, and willing to take on the day. Other days however, are not so good. Some times I wake up and I feel like crap about myself and my body, and can hardly force myself to get out of bed.

The good days are great. They are happy, free, and full of life. These are the days that someone in recovery lives for, the ones that show us that the work we are doing is actually worth it and paying off. These are the days that we remind ourselves of on the bad days, to help us get through. The bad days feel like the days that you just need to buckle down and get through. You just put your head down and wait until another good day comes along.

While the good days are great, they are not the days that really matter, or define your recovery. When you are in recovery, the most important days unfortunately are the bad ones. The days when you feel like crap, when you can hardly get out of bed. These are the days that really show you how far you have come in  your recovery, and give you the chance to grow even farther.

The bad days in recovery are so important. It is on the bad days that you are able to grow the most. These days take strength, they are not easy. You want to just lie in bed and not face the world. You want to give in to the loud voice of your eating disorder, and fall back into old habits that, for a few brief moments, would make you feel better. This isn’t what you have to do though. Even one the bad days, you get up, eat your meals, and go about your day as if the voices in your head aren’t screaming. You act like everything is okay. You fake it until you make it.

Every time you get through one of these bad days without giving in to your depression, eating disorder, or insecurities, you gain strength in yourself and your healthy voice. You give yourself another piece of knowledge to put in your pocket that you can make it through the bad times. It adds just a little bit to your confidence and the knowledge in your own competence in taking care of yourself.  

Each individual bad day does not seem like it gives you much. It is just a bad day and you have somehow gotten through it and hopefully tomorrow will be better. The thing is though, all the bad days you get through add up to a huge inventory of knowledge and competence in yourself. Eventually, you will have enough pieces in your pocket that you wont need to fight so hard to get through the bad days, they wont feel so bad anymore. Eventually, each bad day gets easier and easier, and fewer and farer between.

That is why it is so important to keep going, to not give up. Especially on the bad days. Every single day, no matter how you feel, keep taking those steps that you know you need to in order to enhance your recovery and weaken your eating disorder. Eat. Practice self-care. Surround yourself with those who love you. Don’t isolate yourself. Work and work and keep working. On the bad days, when it feels like you just want to give up, try to work a little harder. It will be worth it. The harder you work on this bad day, the easier the next one will be.

Keep going.

You can do it.

Thanks for reading.

Some Quotes on Recovery

One thing to know about me is that I am absolutely obsessed with quotes. I love that I can find words that explain my thoughts better than I ever could. One of my favorite activities that occupies quite a bit of my time is searching out an collecting new ones, and the quote folder on my computer currently has over 8,000, and is growing steadily. Today I thought I would share with you all just a few of the ones that I really like, on recovery and living a full life. 



*** None of these are mine, so I don't want to take credit, I just love and appreciate them***

"You Can't Love Somebody if You Don't Love Yourself"

There is a quote out there that says something like, "You can't love others if you don't love yourself." For a long time, I hated this quote. Thought it was complete bullshit. I knew for a fact that I did not love myself. Actually, I pretty much hated most everything about myself. But God dammit that did not mean that I could not love people. 

Okay, so this quote is both wrong, and right. Yes, of course you can love people, that is a basic human thing that every single person on this planet does. Everyone loves. You love you parents, your siblings, your best friend, your dog, pizza. The list can go on and on. Hating yourself does not take away your ability to love. 

The thing that not loving yourself does take away, is your ability to love healthily, fully, and unselfishly. When I was very sick and full of hatred and loathing for myself, I still loved people. I loved my parents and siblings and boyfriend and anyone else. But instead of letting that love add to me and complement me in healthy ways, I used that love to fill the void that my own hatred left in myself. 

Love, especially love between to people in a relationship (which is what I find this quote is often referring to), is supposed to be equally shared between two people, not overbearing, needing, or anything like that. It is based on mutual respect, trust and understanding. It is not meant for you to need the other person, but to want them there because they make your life better. It is patient, understanding, not forced, not dependent (Pretty much, Corinthians, had it right). 

When you don't love yourself fully and completely first though, love for another person cannot really be all of these wonderful things. Without even realizing it (I know I never did when I was there), you use your love of this other person to fulfill the lack of love you have in yourself. Because you can't see any worth in yourself, you need this other person to validate you, to make you feel okay. At least he or she can love you, even if you can't. You tell yourself, well, Maybe they really do love me, and if they do, I can't be all bad right?

Love that comes from a place of self hatred is not a pure or good form of love. it is dependent, overbearing, selfish, untrusting, resentful, cautious, and weak. Even though it is love, it is not the kind of love that any person deserves to have. It is not the kind of love that will ever lead to a healthy relationship. It is not the kind of love that is sustainable. It is not the kind of love that will last trials and fights. It is love that will wither and die because there is no backing of love or life behind it.

If I had read this even just one year ago, this article would have made me furious. 'How dare you think that I am not capable of real love?' But that is not what I am trying to say. I am simply trying to say how important a foundation of self-love is for any aspect of your life, and especially a relationship. You want the best for the people you love, and you want to give them the best of you. However, you will never be able to do that until you love yourself. 

Loving yourself is the best gift you could ever give the person you love. Its also the best gift you could ever give yourself. It is literally the most important thing you could possibly do to have good, happy, healthy relationships, and a good, happy, healthy life. 

p.s. - Being able to write this shows me how far I have come in just a short time. As I said, not that long ago, I vehemently disagreed with this, and it made me furious. Now, not only do I see the truth in it, but I see it in my life. Although I know I have a long way to go in loving myself completely, the progress I've made has effected myself and my relationships in immeasurable and incredible ways. 

Different Universes in Relationships

Relationships are very tricky things. As human beings, our natural inclination is towards companionship, towards joining ourselves with other people so that we will not have to be alone. However, it is also in human nature to be quite selfish sometimes. We automatically think of our needs and desires, and categorize them as the most important. It is very easy for us to think that because we think and feel, act, and show love a certain way, everyone else must do things that way to.

            However this is very much not true. Every person we come into contact with is their own unique individual, with their own way of doing things and perceiving the world. This might turn out to be very different from the way in which you operate. And that is okay. It is perfectly possible for two very different people to be very happy and healthy together. Both parties just have to understand they way the other person operates, and that there are three different universes of self that must be dealt with when you are in a relationship with another person.

1.    The Universe of Yourself

Obviously there is the universe of yourself. You are a unique person with wants, fears, dreams, desires, thoughts, and actions. It is important, even within the context of a relationship, to honor these things. Even though you are with another person, You are still you. Honor yourself, do things just for you that make you happy and fulfill yourself as an individual. It is very easy in a relationship to let this area fall to the wayside, Everything becomes about the two of you together, and yourself as an individual entity feels less important and less deserving of your time and attention. Although this is an easy trap to fall into, it will only work to make you feel unfulfilled, dependent, and possibly eventually resentful of your partner.

2.    The Universe of Your Partner

Just like you, your partner is an individual person with a universe of their own outside of you and your relationship. And just like you, it is important for them to honor this side of them, and not let it fall to the wayside. This can be hard at first. But letting your partner honor themself as an individual does not mean being separate from them. It does not mean you don’t care about all of them and their life, or that they don’t care about all of you and want you to be a part of all of them. It just means that they are honoring themselves, and making sure that they are taking care of all of them, just as you should be. A mark of a healthy relationship is allowing your partner to thrive and be 100% themselves within the context of your relationship. No relationship should be completely all consuming or co-dependent. It is healthy to have lives outside of the other, and it is important to respect that.

3.    The Universe of You Two Together

While each of you is your own separate person, when you come together in a relationship, you form a whole new universe, one of the two of you together. While honoring each person as an individual, it is still possible to come and form something beautiful that is completely together. You do this by understanding the other person, and creating a bond of love, trust, and mutual respect.  It means understanding that your partner may show love differently, or may communicate differently than you do, being okay with that, and learning to honor the way he or she does things. It means sharing all of yourself with the other person, good and bad, and trusting them to hold it safely for you. It means making an active effort to show them how much you care about them, and to keep your romance alive.