Updates on What I'm Doing!

So I just wanted to talk about some of the things that I have been up to lately and some of the challenges that I am trying to take on that I will be keeping you guys updated on.

• NEDA Walk
• There is a NEDA Walk up here in Boston in the spring, and I am very interested in the possibility of creating and running a team for the walk. I have been in contact with people from NEDA, and a working to get this set up. It is still in the very early stages of planning, but I will keep you guys updated.
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• Proud2Byme
• Another really cool thing that I am trying to get information on getting involved with, and setting up, Proud2BMe on my campus and starting to work to spread awareness and advocacy. Once again, its very early on, but I will keep you all updated on this as well.
• Writing
• I am really trying to get my writing going! I am planning on making a conscious effort to post more on here, and get started soon on my first book!

So this is what I've got going on along with classes and different clubs like ultimate frisbee, habitat for humanity, psychology club, and some others. I have been very busy, but very happy and very excited about the future. I can't wait for all of this to progress, and to have more updates for all of you!

Thanks for reading!

One Month!

Hello All! So this past wednesday, I celebrated one month clean from symptoms of my eating disorder! Having struggled with disordered eating for over six years now, this is definitely a huge accomplishment. I have had a lot of ups and downs over the past six+ years, from stretches of relative health and wellness, to being close to death and spending a month in a treatment facility. I have learned so much though, and do not regret anything Ive gone through.




This past month though truly, has been incredible. I have felt freer and more in control than I have in a long time, and it has been so strengthening and empowering. Here are some of the best things this past month free of easting disorder symptoms has given me:

Amazing Stableness of Body

During the past six+ years of my eating disorder, my body has gone through some pretty fucked up times. My weight has fluctuated wildly up to five or so pounds in one day, I have been starving yet hugely bloated, I have been freezing in 85 degree weather, I have stood in the shower and run my fingers through my hair and had clump after clump come out.
Although these things do take a long time to reverse, over the past month I have already seen so many hugely positive changes. I have not weighed myself in awhile, but my body itself has been much more stable. bloating and the like has obviously occurred, but it has been natural and gone away in a timely manner. My internal temperature is re-regulating, which is important when I just moved to the northeast and will soon have to deal with winter. My hair no longer comes out in clumps in the shower; now maybe one or two hairs will come out and thats all. All of these changes have taken place in only one month free of symptoms, I can't wait to see what more time will bring!!

Hunger and Fullness Cues

I have spent so many years either depriving myself when I was hungry, or stuffing myself way past the pint of fullness, that my hunger and fullness cues were completely out of whack. I honestly have had no idea when I was hungry, until I was absolutely famished, or when I was full, until I was completely stuffed. Finally though, these cues are starting to return to me. The subtle nuances of my body are starting to become apparent to me. I can tell when I am just starting to get hungry, when I maybe just want an apple or a granola bar, and when I am comfortably full. I never have to go past that point. It is very freeing.

Freedom

Food in college is definitely a thing. Its a social tool, a stress relief, and many other things. As I gain freedom from my eating disorder, I find myself more able to participate in these fun activities with people who I enjoy spending time with. A couple of nights ago, a couple friends and I decided at about 11:30 that we wanted to get ice cream, so we went and we got it. Amazingly, I was able to have it and not give it much of a second thought. It was fun, It was delicious, and that was all. Last week around the same time we all decided to go get hamburgers from a local joint. And I ate that with no guilt too! A month ago, I was terrified of coming to college for this reason. I never would have dreamed that I would be able to eat (especially outside of meal times) and feel no guilt.

Confidence

As I gain control of my eating disorder, I find myself gaining control of many other aspects of my life. Its a very empowering thing, when I am beating down my ED. If I can do that, I can do anything! I find myself more able to voice my opinions, more outgoing, funny, assertive, more willing to take risks and put myself out there. For the first time in a long time, I feel strong. I still have days where my body feels disgusting and all I want to do is lose weight, but I am more able to combat those feelings. And some days, I actually feel really good. Its amazing

Guys, when you are trapped in the clutches of an eating disorder, it can feel like that is all there is, and there is no way out. Im telling you though, that is so not true. This past month I have tasted it, I  have lived it! and it is so amazing. My hope for all of you reading is that you get to taste this freedom that I have tasted this past month, because it is so delicious. And I believe that each and everyone of you will. You just have to keep fighting and keep believing in yourself. It is so possible.

Thanks for reading, love you guys!

There Will be a Day

The past week has been so good for me. It has been amazing and thrilling and free. It has given me a lot of hope and confidence in the future, and allowed me to reflect on the future and how I want my life to be.


There will be a day when I no longer have an eating disorder. That day exists, it is out there somewhere in the finite future, and I will get there. This is truly something I believe with all my heart. There will be a day when I no longer feel the need to weigh myself. When I don't strive to lose weight. When I no longer compare myself jealously to other girls. When I absolutely LOVE who I am. When I no longer have a voice in my head telling me that I am ugly, and not good enough. 

When you are trapped in the throws of an eating disorder, you very easily believe that this day will never come. It's impossible. Maybe that could happen for other people, but definitely not for you. You are too fat, too sick, too disgusting. You will never recover. 

But Darling, please listen to me when I tell you that is not true. You will. No matter how horrible you feel, there will come a day when you no longer feel that way. If you actively work to get ed out of your life, you will. It will be hard and shitty and sometimes you won't even want to. But you will.

I've experienced a taste of that this week. I have felt okay about myself. I have eaten, and not even thought about throwing up. I've enjoyed myself, and not felt guilty or stupid for it. It's been amazing. These days, these small times when things do seem okay, are the things that prove that someday Ed won't be there anymore. You beat him for one day, or even one hour. If you keep fighting, it will be two, then three, then five. Eventually, You will beat him for good. 

You just have to fight. The voice will be so strong in your head telling you not to eat that, or to go throw up, or to exercise for an extra hour. You just have to fight it. It will be torture at the beginning, almost impossible, and you will feel like you are dying. But you've got to do it anyway. Because eventually, it will get better. Eventually, you will get to weeks like the one I've just had, and let me tell you, it is so so so amazing. And you all deserve to get there.  

First Week Gone!

It is hard to believe that it has only been a week since I moved into my new home away from home in Boston. On one hand it feels like I've been here about three hours. On the other though, it feels like I have been here months.

I LOVE it here. So much. I feel comfortable, I feel welcomed, I feel so happy. I have been working in the IT program at my school, and everyone there is so welcoming, friendly, and fantastic. I love them all and they already feel like my second family. I have been exploring the city on the T (subway), which was really thrilling and exciting. Boston is so beautiful, from the Fenway area, to Newbury, to the North end, I am loving every inch.


And best of all, my eating has been so good. I have caught myself restricting a few times, but for the most part, I just eat breakfast lunch and dinner and hardly even think about it. Its just part of life, part of the fun. The other night we went to a burger joint at 12:30am, and I had a burger and didn't even feel guilty. Yesterday I had a chocolate truffle, then a huge (and amazing delicious) cannoli from the North End, and it was fine. My clothes still fit, I didn't explode, I just had fun and allowed myself to enjoy it. It was amazing. It was easy. I feel like this is how its supposed to be, Easy. Its so different, and so awesome.

So overall, college up to this point has been amazing. Everyone moves in tomorrow, and my classes start on Wednesday, so it is about to get a lot busier and more crazy, but I'm confident that I will be fine, and that it will still be amazing and wonderful. 

I'll write again soon and keep you guys updated!
Thanks for reading!

First Night

Today is my first night in my new dorm, at school up in Boston. I had to move in early for a job in the IT department, so my two roommates don't move in for nine days. neither does anyone else on my entire floor haha. I am pretty much all alone for the time being. 

I did meet a couple girls from the IT department, and they seem really nice. I am excited to get to know everyone better. Orientation is all day tomorrow and the next day, so I'm sure I will get to meet people.

It feels very weird being here by myself. It doesn't feel real yet that this is my new home. It is definitely going to take some getting used to. Moving in today was very stressful, but good. I am excited to see how the next few days go. This is definitely a crazy new adventure, and i can't wait to begin. (Even though I am nervous lol).

I will definitely keep you guys updated as to how everything is going, and one thing in particular I want to write about is food this week, because the dining hall does not open until the 31st of August, so I am on my own with food until then. It will be a difficult, but manageable and strengthening challenge. 

Thanks for reading!

Everyone Should Have a Therapist

I have been seeing a therapist one to two times a week consistently for about a year and a half now. Before that, I saw one on and off, less regularly. I also want to study psychology and work in the field when I am older. So, clearly, I am biased. But I honestly think, that every single person in this world should have a therapist.

Hear me out, I know there is a lot of stigma against going to therapy. People don’t want to feel like they are crazy, or have other people think that they are. They want to feel like they can handle things on their own. But if I ruled the world, around the time every person turned about six, they would be given a therapist that they saw every week or couple weeks. 

If this were to happen, Oh my gosh would the world be a healthier, happier place. I am in no way trying to say that everyone is crazy, or needs mental help, but come on, who couldn’t value from having someone objective to talk to? To help them through there struggles, big or small? To validate there feelings and emotions, to teach them healthy coping skills that they can use to deal with the everyday struggles of life, rather than using unhealthy or self-destructive methods? 

I don’t know, like I said, maybe I am biased because I think therapy and psychology is amazing. I know not everyone feels that way. But all of these wars, all of this murder, hate, racism, stigma, low self-esteem, depression, and so many other struggles that face people in this world, if everyone were given the chance to talk it out with someone, and get help, I really think these things would be a lot more unheard of, and humanity as a whole would be a lot healthier and happier.

Things I Want To Leave Behind in College

I am currently somewhere near Savannah Georgia, on my way up to Boston to go to college. The past five hours in the car, and the nine more today, give me a lot of time to reflect on college, how I want it to be, and the person that I want to be there. This leads me to thinking about the things that I want to leave behind once I am up in Boston at college.  


Worry of other peoples disappointment                                                        I have this very strong irrational fear of disappointing people. It is something that has guided many of my actions over the past free years, and done only harm. It has caused me to lie to the people I love, simply to tell them what I think they want to hear, so they will be proud of me. I have a hard time with the idea that love can be unconditional, and so I have spent time constantly trying to prove myself unnecessarily, so that people would not leave me. This fear is not rational though, and does nothing to benefit me or my relationships. When I am in college I want to live a very authentic and integrity filled life. I want to do things because I want to do them, and they will make me happy, not because they will make anyone else happy or proud of me. And even if people don’t agree with what I do, that doesn’t make it wrong, and that doesn’t mean they won’t still love me.

Unrealistic Expectations of myself                                                               In some aspects of my life, I am very much a perfectionists. I hold myself to very high standards of how I should act, how i should look, what I should accomplish, etc. Oftentimes, this leaves very little room for compassion. I find myself being extremely self-critical, and getting down on myself for every little thing that I perceive as wrong. When I am in college, I want to learn to have compassion and forgiveness for myself. To know that I am not always going to be perfect, and that is completely okay. I don’t need to be perfect. There are over seven billion people on this earth, and every one of them messes up, makes mistakes, and doesn’t things they don’t like or aren’t proud of. Its so normal, its practically expected, and in college I want to be able to see that and have patience with myself. 

Unrealistic Expectations of others                                                        When you care about someone, or look up to them, it is pretty easy to forget that they are human beings, just like you and me. Often when you love someone, or rely on them, you place them on a pedestal of sorts, and expect them to be perfect and do no wrong. Unfortunately, this is a fantasy, not reality. Everyone you love is just as human as you are. They are a part of those seven billion human being that mess up all the time. In college, I want t remember that. I don’t want to elect to much from anyone, and then be disappointed and hurt she they don’t live up to my unrealistic expectations. It isn’t fair to anyone involved, and only harms, never helps.

Need for validation and approval                                                               I am a very insecure person. Sometimes I am able to give off a facade of confidence, but most of the time it is just that, a facade. Don’t get me wrong, that is definitely something I am working on, (fake it till you make it right?) and it is getting better. But historically, I have not been able to give myself much self-worth or validation. Because of this, I have relied on this validation from others. Friends, boyfriends, teachers, youth pastors, therapists,  parents, I have lived by the idea that even though I don’t love myself, or think much of myself, if they love me, or value me, or think that I am good enough, well that must be something. At least they like me, and see value in me. Maybe if they see that it really is there, even though I can’t see it. When I am in college, I do not want to do this. I am going to work to be secure in myself, rather than relying on other people to feel good about myself. I want to be who I am unapologetically, whether anyone approves or not. I want to be with people because I love them and care about them and we both have something to offer the relationship. Not because I need them to feel okay.