Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes

A little while ago in therapy we did an exercise where I was forced to imagine my life in 6 months, a year, and five years, still acting on eating disorder behaviors. This is something that I never think about, at least not in concrete terms. When I think of the future, somehow I am always recovered and fulfilled, happy and living a life I enjoy. My eating disorder is never a part of it.

The thing is though, five years ago, when I was thinking about my life five years down the road, I never imagined my eating disorder would still be a part of my life now. I always assumed in some abstract sense that somehow in the time between then and now I would recover, and things would just be different, happier, better. I didn’t know exactly how that would happen; I simply always assumed that it would.

            Now, I am not trying to say that I have come nowhere in the last five years, because I know that I am eons from where I used to be. But thinking about still acting on eating disorder behavior five more years down the road really terrified me. Picturing that future, it is so easy to imagine how I would get there, so concrete and simple. I know exactly the steps I would have to take, and they are very easy steps to take, steps that are familiar and that I am very good at. When I think of the future I want to have, it is so much less clear. It is fuzzy, not as easily imaginable. Although I know a lot of the aspects I want in it, some of the things I want to do and be five years down the road, it is not so concrete as the other future. I don’t really know how to get there, all the steps I need to take. Just that it will be a much harder future to get to.

            This scares me. It scares me a lot. I know how easy it would be to fall into that other future, the one that I have never allowed myself to picture, the one that makes me sick just thinking of. It is the exact same way I allowed the future of five years ago to become the present. It would be so thoughtless, and so easy, and so concrete in my head, and I can see it happening. However, The other future, the one I want so badly, will take so much more thought, determination, hard work, and many many conscious decisions on my part not to let that other future slip back in.  Because I know that if I’m not conscious of it, and let myself be vulnerable to it for even a moment, it will be there, and I will be in jeopardy of losing the future I truly want for myself.

            This activity in therapy was really a wake up call. If I don’t want that other future to become my reality I need to fight for what I really do want. It is so easy to make excuses for the short term. “Oh just this one last time and then I will be done” “No one will know, it wont make a difference” “I will start over tomorrow”. But if you allow these short-term decisions to undermine your resolve, they will easily turn into long term consequences. Suddenly it is just one last time, and one last time, and before you know it its five years down the road and still just one last time. 

            So, I realize that every single action and decision I make must be purposeful, thoughtful, and dedicated to creating the future I want for myself. That is a hard thing to reconcile with, because it is a lot of work, and a lot of farsighted commitment, and it would be so much easier to simply fall into that future that I can so clearly see.  But that is not what I want for myself, and not what I deserve. So, I am going to make the commitment, and try to live more purposefully, trying to recognize that every action I take right now in the present, is working to create the future one, five, or however many years down the road.

            No one can create the future I want for myself except me, and I cannot create it by doing the same actions that have kept me stuck in the past six years. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Thanks for reading!

Self Care Practice: Using Lotion to Connect With Your Body

Practicing self-care is vital to reconnecting with your emotions and your body, and well as recreating a loving relationship with yourself, and fostering respect, confidence, and compassion in all areas of your life. It is so important to take time in the hectic schedules of our day to day lives for a moment of peace and to reconnect to our spirits. However when we are stressed or struggling with issues that effect mental health, so often these important practices are the first ones that fall to the wayside. This in turn makes us more trapped in the stressful aspects of life, and furthers us from the tranquility, love and compassion that we desire in our lives. Because of this, it is so important to make time every single day, even if it is only for a few minutes, to do something that you love and makes you feel good, whole, at peace, full of love for yourself in the world, and completely connected.

One good way to become connected is to get in touch deeply with our senses. Focusing on different senses completely can calm and clear your mind, and more fully connect you to your physical body, while grounding you in the present moment, and taking your attention away from all external pressures, stresses, and problems. 

Today I am going to talk about how to use lotion to full connect to yourself and your body.

After a calming warm shower, or anytime during your day, applying lotion can be a way of connecting you and grounding you, while at the same time showing tender love and respect for your body, by pampering it and giving it something that makes it feel good, look good, and be compassionately healthy.

Begin by taking the lotion in you hand. Smell it. What does it smell like? Focus all of your energy and thinking on the smell. Is it pleasing? What emotions or feelings does it evoke in you? Take deeps breathes in and out, focusing only on the smell. Let it fill you completely, and take away all outside thought. 

Next, begin to rub the lotion on your body. Focus on the sensations that this creates along your skin. Does it feel smooth? silky? gooey? Is it cold or warm along your skin? How does the moisture feel along your arms or legs, on your hands, in between your fingers? Clothes your eyes and focus all your thought and energy on how the lotion feels on your skin.

Finally, notice how your body feels under you hands. Look at and feel your body with tender compassion and non-judgment, noticing the soft skin, and how it feels against your hands, how it looks in the light. Admire all that your body is and can do, and say thank you. If any judgment comes up, notice it, let it pass by, and do not accept it or be affected by it. Instead, say good things to your body, even if it is hard. My skin is so soft. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I am enough. 


This is a practice that I try to do as often as possible, and I hope that all of you lovely people will try this and see how amazing it feels to do good things for yourself and your body. Instead of focusing on the negatives, lets focus on how beautiful, powerful, and amazing our bodies are, and remember to do nice things for them, full of love and compassion.

Have a great day lovelies, thanks for reading!

Two Year Anniversary of Recovery

Today, February 1^st, is a very important day for me. Two years ago is the day I had my first apt with my current therapist, and the day I finally began to get serious about recovery. After having suffered from an eating disorder for over four years and having been in and out of other therapists and nutritionists to not much avail, I remember being absolutely terrified, and feeling not at all ready or able to take the steps needed to finally recover.

            These past two years have been an extremely long journey, full of many ups and down, relapses and triumphs. The one constant though is that I have never given up on my goal of becoming fully recovered and free of this disorder. Looking back, I can hardly even recognize the girl I was two years ago. She was so weak, broken, and beaten down by her eating disorder that she did not know how to fight anymore. She hardly had the will. At my first apt I was hardly able to speak for myself, or articulate how I was feeling or what I wanted or needed. Now, after hundreds of sessions, time spent in an amazing treatment center, and countless self-reflection and hours of hard work, I have learned so much about myself and what I deserve and want out of life. I am well on the road to finally being recovered from this disorder, and being able to help people in the same position that I was two years ago.

            Two years later, the person I am now is strong, Independent, and believes in herself and her recovery more than she ever thought possible. I know I am not recovered yet, and I still have a long way to go, but I am nowhere near where I used to be, and I am so proud of the work I’ve done and the woman I am becoming. There was a time when I honestly never thought I would get here, yet here I am, in Boston, a city which I love at a school I love, working everyday to live life to the fullest and recover and grow more and more every day.

            So much has changed in only two years. Since February 1^st 2013, My life and myself are almost unrecognizable. I am so excited to see what the next two years bring, and how much I am able to grow and change and love and live life to the fullest. Over these past two years I have grown excited again for life and for the future, and I cant wait to see what it will bring.

Today I am so grateful for recovery, and for al the amazing opportunities and people it has brought into my life over the past two years. I am so thankful for the time and life it has given me, and all it has allowed me to live and experience and enjoy and love. Thanks to taking that first step two years ago, my life has been brighter and had more potential than I could ever imagine. I am so so grateful and proud.

Thanks for reading!

Instead of What We Can Lose This Year, What Can We Gain?

Often, especially around the New Year, people make goals for the upcoming year, to lose weight and get into better shape. While wanting to live a healthy lifestyle is good and well, all too often, these goals of changing ones outward appearance are tied to inward happiness and satisfaction. People think that once they weigh less, fit into a smaller size, or can lift more at the gym, then they will finally like themselves. Then they will finally be happy.


The problem with this sort of goal is that unfortunately, you will always be disappointed. Even if you manage to become healthier and get to a shape you think you should be, it will never bring happiness. It will still be the same you, the same person who was not necessarily happy before, simply trapped inside a smaller body. Losing weight will never make you a different person. You will not be more confident, more assertive, more successful, or happier. If you were insecure before, you will simply be a smaller, more in shape, insecure person. If you were depressed before, no amount of outward healthy living will make you happier and more fulfilled. 

I think one thing this problem stems from is the fact that in our society and media, happiness is extremely tied with physical appearance. We are made to believe that if we simply lose xx pounds, wear more expensive makeup, get rid of our wrinkles, or spend more hours in the gym, suddenly we will be happy, well liked, and successful. Our society has made millions upon millions of dollars making people like you and me believe this idea. Unfortunately however, it is one of the biggest lies we will ever be made to believe.

You have inside of you the power to be tremendously happy and fulfilled, right now, but nothing physical will ever get you there. It will take a lot of work, but you can become comfortable with yourself exactly as you are in this moment. healthy or not. thin or not. muscled or not. You do not need to lose weight to love yourself. All you have to do is learn that you are perfectly wonderful and competent exactly as you are, right here right now. Exactly as you are, you are deserving of your own and other people's love, affection, attention, and respect. Once you believe this, whole new worlds of opportunities, experiences, and happiness will open up to you, and you will feel deserving of every wonderful thing that life throws your way, and that you work hard to bring into your life. 

So this New Years, lets not make our resolutions about how many pounds we want to drop, how many servings of vegetables we think we should have day, or how many hours we will need to spend in the gym to burn off our self hatred. Instead, lets resolve to spend more time meditating, writing, drawing, or doing whatever makes you feel connected to yourself.  Lets spend more time with the people we love and who love us, for exactly who we are. Lets spend more time doing things that make us feel happy, passionate, and fulfilled. This year, instead of focusing on what we have to lose, lets focus on all the things we can gain, like confidence, compassion, and excitement for our lives. Because all of us have so much to live for, and so much to be happy about. If we spend our time focusing on outward appearances, we will never be able to see that. This year, Lets turn our gazes inward, and make 2015 the best year, and the year you become the best, and happiest you that you can possibly be.

Thanks for reading!

New Years Resolutions

I know I am a few days late, but the beginning of the new year is an excellent opportunity to reflect and create goals for yourself on how you would like the next year to unfold. Goals or resolutions can be a powerful tool to motivate a person to enact change and improve their life, and stick with it. While often times New Years resolutions seem to dwindle off a few weeks into the new year, writing them down and showing them to other people can help hold you accountable and motivated to stick with them. 
Here are some of my resolutions and goals for 2015:

1. This year, I want to allow myself to be truly happy, without excuse or reason. Just because I am. 
2. I also want to let myself by sad, and allow myself to feel it instead of suppressing or pushing it away
3. I want this to be there year where I make real, huge, positive gains in my recovery. Im talking 6 months to a whole year without purging, weighing myself, or consciously hurting myself in any way. This will be the year recovery gets real and true for me. 
4. I want to begin to really love my body this year. I know it might be unrealistic to think I can truly love my body in a years time, but I want to try, and I want to get as close as I can.
5. I want to write every single day.
6. I want to help people every day in any small way I can.
7. I want to stop this year from judging people for things that I wouldn't want to be judged for. Unfounded gossip or judgment is never good, and is only painful and harmful to all involved, and I want to love people for their flaws, rather than judge them on them.  
8. I want to exercise because it feels good, and I want to treat my body well. Not to lose weight, or as punishment for eating or treating myself.
9. I want to learn to communicate what I truly want and need, and learn to say no, instead of putting up with things I might not want just to make other people happy.
10. I want to put myself first this year, and to treat my mind, body, and soul, with the love and respect they deserve. 

What are your New Years Resolutions lovelies? 

Fighting Harder on the Bad Days

Some days, I wake up and I feel great. I feel alright about my body, reasonably confident and competent, and willing to take on the day. Other days however, are not so good. Some times I wake up and I feel like crap about myself and my body, and can hardly force myself to get out of bed.

The good days are great. They are happy, free, and full of life. These are the days that someone in recovery lives for, the ones that show us that the work we are doing is actually worth it and paying off. These are the days that we remind ourselves of on the bad days, to help us get through. The bad days feel like the days that you just need to buckle down and get through. You just put your head down and wait until another good day comes along.

While the good days are great, they are not the days that really matter, or define your recovery. When you are in recovery, the most important days unfortunately are the bad ones. The days when you feel like crap, when you can hardly get out of bed. These are the days that really show you how far you have come in  your recovery, and give you the chance to grow even farther.

The bad days in recovery are so important. It is on the bad days that you are able to grow the most. These days take strength, they are not easy. You want to just lie in bed and not face the world. You want to give in to the loud voice of your eating disorder, and fall back into old habits that, for a few brief moments, would make you feel better. This isn’t what you have to do though. Even one the bad days, you get up, eat your meals, and go about your day as if the voices in your head aren’t screaming. You act like everything is okay. You fake it until you make it.

Every time you get through one of these bad days without giving in to your depression, eating disorder, or insecurities, you gain strength in yourself and your healthy voice. You give yourself another piece of knowledge to put in your pocket that you can make it through the bad times. It adds just a little bit to your confidence and the knowledge in your own competence in taking care of yourself.  

Each individual bad day does not seem like it gives you much. It is just a bad day and you have somehow gotten through it and hopefully tomorrow will be better. The thing is though, all the bad days you get through add up to a huge inventory of knowledge and competence in yourself. Eventually, you will have enough pieces in your pocket that you wont need to fight so hard to get through the bad days, they wont feel so bad anymore. Eventually, each bad day gets easier and easier, and fewer and farer between.

That is why it is so important to keep going, to not give up. Especially on the bad days. Every single day, no matter how you feel, keep taking those steps that you know you need to in order to enhance your recovery and weaken your eating disorder. Eat. Practice self-care. Surround yourself with those who love you. Don’t isolate yourself. Work and work and keep working. On the bad days, when it feels like you just want to give up, try to work a little harder. It will be worth it. The harder you work on this bad day, the easier the next one will be.

Keep going.

You can do it.

Thanks for reading.

Some Quotes on Recovery

One thing to know about me is that I am absolutely obsessed with quotes. I love that I can find words that explain my thoughts better than I ever could. One of my favorite activities that occupies quite a bit of my time is searching out an collecting new ones, and the quote folder on my computer currently has over 8,000, and is growing steadily. Today I thought I would share with you all just a few of the ones that I really like, on recovery and living a full life. 



*** None of these are mine, so I don't want to take credit, I just love and appreciate them***