This is something that I have had a goal to do for a long time now. A couple of years ago when I was at Renfrew, we received a paper with a love letter that someone had written to her self. This letter shocked and upset me because it seemed like something that I could never feel; the idea of loving my body and myself was so foreign and opposite to me, I could hardly even conceptualize it. Reading that letter though, I knew that someday, I was going to write one just like it. But I couldn't do it then. I wanted to save this letter until I could write it genuinely, and truly feel those things that I was writing. So, I saved the letter. When I got home from Renfrew, I hung it on my wall, where it stayed until the day I left for college. Now, the letter is sitting in a box on the desk in my dorm room.
I don't fully and completely love my body, or all aspects of myself yet. I don't look in the mirror every single day and love what I see. I'm not perfect, very far from it in fact, and I know that I still have a hell of a long way to go in my recovery. But today, FINALLY after all these years, I feel ready to write this letter.
So here we go. This is probably the hardest post I've written, so wish me luck.
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Dear Self,
We have quite an illustrious history don't we? For as long as I can remember, all the way back to six or seven years old, our relationship has been tenuous at best. I have hated you, wished away your vessel, and actively worked to destroy you and it in numerous different ways. But through it all you have held strong on me, and kept me alive even when I didn't really want to be.
So first off self, I owe you a huge apology. You didn't deserve all the crap I put you through; even though I thought you did. You have never been anything but amazing to me, your body has let me run, dance, do yoga, travel to Boston, and love. You have let me learn, love people, make connections, and do so many things I never thought I would get the opportunity to do. Its pretty amazing actually how strong you are. Even after six plus years of actively trying to kill you, You wouldn't let me die. I guess you knew what was best for us after all.
You have been through a hell of a lot in your short life, and you know that. When pain and difficulty has been thrown at you though, You have never once given up. You have looked that difficulty in the face, and met it with all the force of your will, beating it every time. Even though I know you were scared, felt out of control and useless, you conquered it anyway. No, things weren't always fair. Yes you may have had more than your fair share of crap over the past years. But you have never let it dampen your spirit, or your will to survive and thrive. All of those things will make you able to better help others in the future.
When you struggled, relapsed, and thought about giving in, you didn't judge yourself. Instead, you looked at where you were at objectively and with compassion, trying to understand how you got there, and all the while knowing that you would not be there forever. You acknowledged that along with the amazing emotions of life, there is also pain, sadness, disappointment and despair. You let yourself feel these feelings and thanked your mind for what they told you. You let them pass. You allowed yourself to breathe.
In everything you have ever done, you have given 100%. For awhile, it was self destructive tendencies and pain that had your full attention. But then it was recovery, and love, and learning to live and thrive again. All of these things have been tackled with all of your strength and determination. You have given your all in relationships, school, work, and every other aspect of your life. You have worked so hard at recovery, and come so far. There has never been a question of failure, of not recovering. You are going to period. no question mark.
Self, I know I don't tell you nearly enough how much you mean to me. I know you must often think that I hate you, and that I am ungrateful for everything you have blessed me with, and every opportunity you have given me. Please know that this is not the case. We are so bad at telling those we love the most how we truly feel. But please take this letter and know that I mean every word, and every letter is coated in love.
You are so amazing. You are an intelligent, dynamic, capable woman. You are strong, and brave, and beautiful. You are authentic and honest.
You are enough.
All my love,
Me
