Not very
long ago, I was in a very bad place. I had allowed myself to be sucked back in
by my eating disorder, and was once again quite literally drowning in it. My
eating disorder became so strong that I felt I no longer had the motivation or
power to try to fight against it. Instead I was letting it take over my life
once again, and my therapist and parents were seriously considering readmitting
me to the treatment center I was in over two years ago now.
Then, and
I’m really not sure how, I had an epiphany. I saw everyone around me worried,
scared, and frustrated at my suffering, and I realized that I was the only one
holding me back. For the past few months, I had allowed my eating disorder to
make me into the victim of my own life, to make me feel like I had no control
or power. As a role I had played many times in the past, I fell into it easily
and quickly lost myself, and my will.
But that
scared, weak person is not who I am. Maybe I was that person two years ago when
I didn’t have the coping skills, the tools, and the years of active recovery
under my belt that I do now. Back then, I honestly didn’t know how to fight
this. Now I do. I knew exactly what I need to do, I just couldn’t bring myself
to do it. I had let my eating disorder make me believe that I was that weak,
helpless person, when in reality I am the opposite and had all the power to
change.
So, after
this realization, I knew that there was no one that could get me back on track
but myself. No treatment center, therapy, or anything else was going to tell me
anything that I didn’t already know. I just had to put all the knowledge I
already had into action.
So I did.
And it was really freaking hard. Trying not to listen to the negative and
destructive voice in your head after it has grown so strong is like going
against your nature. It goes against every instinct you have. But eventually
with work, it gets a little easier, and a little easier, and your healthy voice
gets a little stronger, and a little stronger.
I am proud
to say that today is one month since I have used any eating disorder behaviors.
This is only the second time I have ever gone this long, and I am so proud of
myself. I feel better, stronger, and freer than I can ever remember feeling in
my entire life. I feel like am finally on the road to being recovered once and
for all. It is a feeling I didn’t know if I would ever have. It is the most
amazing feeling in the whole world.
There is a
quote about recovery that I really love, and goes like this:
“Sometimes recovery
doesn’t mean
more treatment
more therapy
more medication
sometimes you don’t
need to
learn more coping
skills or
make meal plans or
identify emotions.
Sometimes you need
more time in the
sunshine
more hugs that mean
something
more drunken
conversations on a Sunday night
because sometime you
can understand recovery in your head
but not feel recovery
in your heart.
Sometimes your heart
needs a little extra time to catch up.”
Whatever
you are going through, whether it be big or small, you have the power to
overcome it. You are never powerless. You have all the tools you need to create
exactly the life you want for yourself. Life is to short to be held back by fear. Don't let yourself be the thing that is stopping you from greatness. You can absolutely do it. You just need to feel it in your heart.
Today, I am
so thankful for my recovery, and for every minute of strength and struggle it
has taken me to get here. I am so thankful for all I have been given, and cant
wait to see what the future holds.
Today, here’s to feeling it in our hearts.
