Integrity and Other Issues of Recovery

My mom and I have been struggling lately with the issue of my integrity. This is something that I have struggled with all throughout my eating disorder, and has caused me to become very deceitful, sneaky, and full of lies. More than anyone else, my mom has born the brunt of this. I have always had a horrible irrational fear of disappointing her, or not being good enough, or being judged, and so communication with my mom has always been hard for me. Especially when dealing with my eating disorder, I often find myself simply telling her what I think she wants to hear, in order to make her proud and avoid conflict.



I have a feeling that this is something that many of you can relate to. The issue of integrity is often very hard when you are struggling with an eating disorder, because so often ED convinces you to hide things and lie to the people you love, in order to keep him safe. This is so easy, and it happens so often, that it becomes a automatic go-to response, which can be very difficult to break. 

As I have progressed in my recovery, This is something that I have worked on a lot. It is extremely important to me to be able to call myself a person of good character. Yet, at this point in time, it is still probably my biggest struggle holding me back from recovery. Of all the other things I have dealt with on this journey, it is definitely one of the hardest. 

It is hard because being a person of integrity means being vulnerable. It means opening up your truth for other people, and letting them do with it what they will. It means being completely yourself, regardless of whether people like it or not. It means opening the possibility that the people you love could be disappointed in you, and that it is okay. When you are struggling with an eating disorder, this can be so hard to grasp. Letting others be disappointed in you, and not having it affect you negatively, is one of the hardest things we will have to learn in recovery.

This is especially hard when the person that is disappointed in you is someone you love and look up to, like your mom. As the woman who has been with me through all of my sickness and recovery, it is very hard for her when I still have a very hard time being genuine and honest. And I completely understand this. As much as, when we have talks about this, I want to just say I'm sorry and make everything better, I can't. 

I know I lied, and I know that it is very hard on the people who love me. But in no way did I do it to hurt them. I only did it out of a messed up reflex that kept me safe from conflict, and feeling like they were proud of me and loved me. Anyone who has been in this situation knows that it hurts yourself more than anyone. It kills me to feel like I am not a person deserving of trust or respect. But I am trying, and I am going to get there. Just love me and know that its true, and that I never meant to hurt you.

Along with this, recovery isn't a straight line. It is impossible to start working on an issue in recovery, and automatically be better and strong at it. Recovery is about relapse. It's about falling, and getting back up, and learning from your fall in order to move forward. I am trying. My integrity is something that I am working so hard on right now, and I really do believe I'm getting there. But its not going to happen overnight. I am going to fail again and again before I get there. But I am also going to get back up, learn from it, and keep going. So have patience with me. I'm sorry that I'm not getting there as fast as you'd like, but I am trying as hard as I can.

When the ones we love go through our whole struggle with us, it is understandably very hard on them, especially when they take on so many of our struggles. As I have recovered, my mom and I have shared so many things, and gotten really close. I still struggle with our relationship though. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own issues and struggles, that I forget that you have struggles too, and I should be there for you. I do truly wish that I was there for you more. The truth is though, I need to save myself first. Take the example of an oxygen mask. You need to put it on yourself before you can help anyone else. I think its the same. I love you, and I want to be there for you as much as I can, But I need to save myself. I know that is selfish, but it is the reality of life and of recovery. Before you can truly love or be there for another person, you need to do the same for yourself.

Anything Other Than a Yes Means No

This is something that I feel like not many people, not even many girls, understand nowadays. When it comes to anything physical or sexual, the only thing that counts as consent is an explicit and enthusiastic yes. (This does also apply to many other things, but today I am focusing on this issue). No means no. I'm uncomfortable means no. pushing him or her away means no. Being too drunk to consent means no. literally, anything other than a yes, means no. I don't really get why this is so  hard for some people to understand. Its a simple three letter word, either you hear it or you don't.


The person you are trying to force yourself upon is a human being. They are their own, autonomous being, with thoughts and feelings and basic rights just like you. It's not, and never will be your place to overstep those and take away those rights, simply because you don't want to take no for an answer. They, just as you, or anyone else, deserve the right to have that one thing that is all their own. Your body is just yours. no one else's. You can give someone your body to enjoy if you want to, and if you are going to enjoy it too, but you are never, never under any obligation to do so. And no one has the right to force you.

Honestly, you don't owe  another person anything. I don't care if they bought you dinner, bought you flowers, told you that you are pretty, told you that they loved you, or even married you. you do not, and never will, owe them your body. Your body is a gift that you can freely give someone else if you so choose, it is never, no  matter what, something that anyone has the right to take or access without your permission. It doesn't matter why you want to say no, it doesn't matter if you even have a reason or not. 'I just don't feel like it' is perfectly justified and 100% acceptable. There is no circumstance where your reason isn't good enough that the other person has a right to disregard it.

What I need you to know, what I really need you to take away form this, is that it is never your fault. You did not let him or her do anything. You did not dress, drink, flirt, or do anything in such as way that would make that other person unable to help themselves. You will never be the guilty party. I know how easy it is to think that you are. That if you were only stronger, dressed more modestly, didn't accepted his or her generosity, wasn't so open and friendly, then you wouldn't have been asking for it, or he or she wouldn't have been expecting it. Then they wouldn't have wanted or needed to do it. Then they would have stopped. But I am here to tell you that is complete bullshit. There is never an instance where his or her actions can be justified.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, you didn't do anything. You did nothing, that other person did something to you. You did not do something with them, you did not let them do something, They did something to you. They took something that belonged to you, They stole from you. You had no part of it. Therefore, You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.  That other person will always hold 100% of the blame.

Recovering vs. Recovered

In the eating disorder community, there is some debate over whether or not it is possible to ever fully recover from an eating disorder. Many people think that it is something that a person will have to deal with all their life, no matter how much recovery work they do. Yes, you can get to a much better place, be for the most part physically and mentally healthy, but never get all the way there. According to some, you can go ten, twenty years without acting out on your eating disorder, but no matter what, you will always have that voice in your head tempting you. You will never really love your body completely and unconditionally, you will never fully stop wanting to lose weight, you will never be completely free from ED's grip. It simply gets more manageable and you don't have to act on it.





Personally, I am not a fan of this philosophy, and it is not one that I agree with. I find it to be very pessimistic, and hopeless. Why on earth would I go through all of this pain and hard work, put every ounce of myself into recovery, if I could never be free from my ED anyway? If that was the way things were, I would not even attempt recovery, it would not be worth it.

Despite that there are people who believe this way, I know that it is not true. I am 100% confident that there will come a day when I no longer want to lose weight, when I love myself the way I am, and comfortable and confident, and don't have ED's voice spinning around in my head. I know because I have seen it, and experienced it for myself. I have seen it in my therapist, who once struggled and now is completely free and happy. I've seen it in my dietician who recovered so fully that she is able to spend her life getting over their own struggles with food. I have seen it in myself. I've seen it in whole days I have gone where I have not worried at all about what I was eating or what I looked like. I have seen it in moments of looking in the mirror and truly loving what I see. Although I am definitely not there yet, and still have a long way to go, I know with complete faith that someday I will be there.

So I challenge you, if you are worried that things will never get better, and that no matter what you do you will never recover, change your thinking. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you think things will never get better, than they never will. Look at your role models and the people you have seen that have made a full recovery, and know that it is possible for yourself. Remember those bright moments that intersperse the dark, where you could eat without feeling guilty, and look at yourself without hating what you saw. Believe for yourself that even though those moments are fleeting now, there will come a time where those moments make up the everyday workings of your life, and are here to stay. There will come a time when that voice is no longer in your head. You will get there. You will recover.

5 Things You Gain When You Recover From Your Eating Disorder

When I spent a month at Renfrew, a treatment center, there was a girl who told me that the only thing you gain when you recover from an eating disorder is weight. For a long time, I felt like I agreed with this. When you are struggling in the depths of an eating disorder, or even in the midst of recovery, it can easily seem like there is not much good that can come out of recovery. It is really hard. You may have to gain weight, get a whole new body that you are uncomfortable with, and have to deal with that along with everything else. You will have to relearn so many integral things in your life: how to eat, how to deal with your emotions, how to deal with other people, and even deal with yourself. All of this can be hugely overwhelming, and it is easy to see how it would be hard to imagine a good and positive outcome. 



This statement is so false though. Recovery gives you so many things, it gives you everything you can imagine. Besides the obvious things it gives you, like weight, confidence, independence, etc, here are some less-thought-about, things that you will gain when you recover from your eating disorder.

1. Poop!

Okay, this may seem a little weird. How does recovery from my eating disorder give me poop? and why are we talking about it? Well, let me tell you from experience that you will never feel so grateful for such a simple bodily function as when you embark on your journey of recovery.

One of the many unfortunate side effects of having an eating disorder is constipation. I remember one time when I was really struggling, when I went six days without going number two. It was honestly one of the worst experiences of my life, I felt bloated, nauseous, sick, and just generally disgusting. This was a very common occurrence for me. So needless to say it was absolutely glorious when I started recovery, suddenly I was relieving myself every day! Was this a normal thing? did regular people actually poop everyday? I didn't know the answers to these questions, but I sure knew that I liked it. You may not think that this is a big deal, but trust me, this is one of the major perks of recovering from your eating disorder and eating normally. 

2. Your Period!

Babies! Who doesn't like babies, I mean come on. They are like tiny balls of cute! I know that at least in my case, I definitely want to have the chance to have my own children when I am older. However, an eating disorder can very easily take that from you.  If you are underweight, overweight, or your levels are all out of whack  you might lose your period for an extended amount of time. If this happens, it can cause all sorts of problems for you in the present, and in the future. For one, it can take away your ability to bare children. Right now you might be thinking you don't care about this, you are young, you don't want kids anyway, you don't want to gain weight. But that is taking away a whole plethora of options for you in the future. Not to mention all of the other benefits you will gain from getting back your period, such as healthy bones, hair, teeth, skin, etc, getting back your period will allow you, if you want to, to have little babies someday, which could end up being very important to you.

3. An insane knowledge of yourself

When I was trapped in my eating disorder, it was all that I knew. I had no idea who I was, what my values or beliefs were, who I wanted to be, or what I wanted in a relationship. I honestly just had no clue. Since I've started my journey in recovery though, and been through countless therapy sessions talking about nothing but myself and who I think I am and want to be, I can say that I know myself better than just about anything. Sure, Im not perfect, and all of my flaws are still present, I still have many self-destructive tendencies, but now I recognize them. Where before, I literally just had no clue anything about myself, now I know that I have a lot of problems with conflict, I am terrified of disappointment, and when I am in a situation I don't like I tend to rebel. I also know that I am really good at dealing with people, I have a passion for helping others, I want to travel the world, and I love tattoos. This is what recovery gives you. The ability to discover who you are, and even create yourself into the person you want to be. And thats pretty cool if you ask me, not many people get to create themselves when they are an adult.

4. A new relationship with your family and friends

An eating disorder can keep you trapped in a very juvenile state. You need to constantly be worried about, and taken care of by those who love you. They need to make sure you are eating or not purging, not self-harming, and just generally being safe. Along with  this, An eating disorder can be very manipulate and sneaking, and you can easily find yourself lying and hiding things from the people you love, in order to protect your eating disorder. When you take on the journey of recovery though, you begin to enter a more mature, independent stage of life, and you no longer have to lie to protect your eating disorder. Now you can develop more adult equal relationships with the people you love. These relationships can be built on trust, respect, and mutual gain, love, and affection from the other, rather than need, insecurity, pain, and distrust.

5. A second chance in life.

When You are restricting, purging, self-injuring, or engaging in any other sort of self-destructive behavior, you never know which time will be your last. At any minute your heart could give out, you could cut too deep, or your body could give out in some other way. In short, you could die. I know, you think it could never happen to you. Those stories you read about, those are about other girls, girls who are weaker than you, thinner than you, sicker than you. But guess what? Those are girls just like me and you, and any day that you are still wrapped up in your eating disorder, it could be you. You honestly never know. One more purge, one more skipped meal, thats all it takes. Thats why recovery needs to start now. not tomorrow, not when you lose xx pounds, not when you are finally sick enough. Right now. It really can't wait. Every moment you remain trapped is a moment you can't get back, and one more moment towards death. 

When you finally recover, you get a second chance. You get to proudly say that you beat this, you survived. this thing that so easily could have killed you, it didn't. You were stronger, and you survived. That is something to be proud of. 

How to Break Up With Your Eating Disorder

Me and Ed (My eating disorder) have been together for so long now, that I can hardly remember a day when he has not been in my life. Through thick and thin, good and bad, Ed has stuck with me, and always been a faithful companion. When I moved across the country and didn't know anyone, Ed helped me cope with the stress and loneliness of starting over. When I dated two boys who controlled me and broke my heart, Ed was there, helping me through it and telling me that if i only stuck with him, things would be okay. I didn't need anything else or anyone else. I had Ed.



But After all that time, I have come to realize that Ed has far outstayed his welcome. He never really helped me like he said he was going to, and he was more controlling and hurtful than any other boy I could ever date. So now, its time to get rid of Ed, to break up with him once and for all, and to get him out of my life. 

Heres how to do it:

1. Dont Negotiate

We all know that Ed is an absolute master with words. He can take the strongest of resolve, and suddenly have you crumbling again under his empty promises. So don't even give him the time or opportunity to try to play his mind games with you. Kick him to the curb, and leave. Get out, and don't look back.

2. Seek support

Although when you are in the grips of a damaging relationship with Ed it may seem like he is all you have, once you leave him you will realize that there are countless people in your life who love you, are worried about you, and having been sitting in the wings waiting for this day to come. These are the people that you need to quickly seek out now. Breaking up with Ed is going to be hard. Really hard, and you are going to be very tempted to quit your resolve and go back to him. These people will help. Your friends, your family, will listen to your feelings and your fears and hold you when you cry. They can distract you and support you. They will be the rock that gets you through it.

3. Figure out who you are without Ed in your life

Chances are, if you are anything like me, Your relationship with Ed was pretty all consuming. You probably didn't have time to work on any passions, cultivate any hobbies, or anything of the sort. You might not even know where to begin. This is your next step. You can't simply be sitting around all day, thinking about how much you miss Ed. So, how to start? Think of things you liked to do before Ed was in your life. Did you like to paint, like to sing, like to roller bad, like to go to concerts, like to write poetry? Make an effort to do these things again. Even better, try new things that you never would have considered doing before! Just keep yourself busy, and try to develop what you love to do! (your friends and family can help here too!)

4. Cry if you need to

Breaking up with Ed was by far the hardest (and best!) thing I have ever had to do. It forced me to look at myself and the world in a whole new way. It challenged to actually feel things again, to figure out what my values are and what I believe, and to fight harder than I have ever fought for anything. So don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Its not easy, no expects you to have it all together. Breaking down is absolutely not a sign of weakness. In fact, it is a sign that you are so strong. stronger than you have ever been. Ed would never let you ask for help. The fact that you allow yourself to now means that you are breaking free of him.

5. Don't get upset with yourself for going back to him

Everyone slips up. When I was dating one of my boyfriends, I went back to him 6 times before I could finally end it once and for all. So don't hate yourself if you find yourself letting Ed back into your life. He is very persistent, and there will be times when you even think you want him to come back to stay. This is okay. Its understandable, even expected. Don't focus on the fact of failing, focus on the strength you will have when you kick him to the curb again, and the lesson you can learn about why you let him back.

6. Keep going

Its going to be really hard. And Ed is absolutely not going to give up without a fight. You may have to kick him out three, five, ten, twenty times before he is finally gone for good. But don't you dare quit. Because I promise you one day, he will be gone for good. When it really comes down to it, Ed is weak and manipulate and cruel, and You are so strong. Strong enough to see past his bullshit. And if you keep fighting, someday you will realize your own strength, and you will not let him back in. Keep going, you'll get there.

I believe in you. 

31 Quotes to Help You Get Through Your Breakup and Realize How Amazing You Are on Your Own. ****

"Its okay to miss people who were bullets to you."

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"Start ignoring people who threaten your joy. 
Literally, ignore them.
Say nothing.
Don't invite any parts of them into your space."

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"Promise me that you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim."

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"Just because someone desires you, it doesn't mean that they value you.
Read it over.
Again.
Let those words resonate in your mind."

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"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

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"You are a person who has worth and autonomy and a life, a life that is happening right now, and not 'someday.'"

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"So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide."

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"Life's too short to drink crappy coffee and cry over boys who don't care."

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"This is all you have. This is not a dry run. This is your life."

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"Sometimes you have to let people go because they are toxic to you. Let them go because they take and take and leave you empty. Let them go because in the ocean of life when all you're trying to do is stay afloat, they are the anchor thats drowning you."

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"He may still love you. He probably does. He probably doesn't know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. But that isn't what matters. What matters is what he's doing about it, and what he's doing about it is nothing. And if he's doing nothing, you most certainly shouldn't do anything. You need someone who goes out of their way to make it obvious that they want you in their life."

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"You're not the kind of girl who settles. Keep not settling."

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"When he says
he doesn't love you anymore,
roll your shoulders back
and look him in the eye
even when it feels like your ribs 
are breaking inward, like spider legs.
When he digs up old aches
that he swore he forgave you for,
Smile
and ask him why he didn't leave you sooner.
Ignore the way the words feel like 
sandpaper
running all the way up your throat to 
your mouth.
When he blames you 
for mistakes that wear his face,
do not scream.
Do not cry.
Tell him that there are boys 
who would be proud to say they'd 
loved you. 
Tell him that in two years
you won't remember his name
and don't let him see the way you can
taste your own lie.
When he leaves
Ignore the howling in your blood 
and do not get up after him.
Not even to lock the door.
Do not, do not
do not.
Smell his shirts when you box them up 
to give them back. 
Not one.
Swear off dating when you realize
you're chasing ghosts that wear his
smile.
It's okay to cry over him.
It's even okay to forgive him.
But do not go back to him.
If he did not know how to love you the
first time,
he won't know how to do it the next."

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"Sometimes people come into your life just to teach you how to let go."

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"Today in science class I learned that every cell in our entire body is replaced every seven years.
How lovely it is to know that one day I will have a body he will have never touched."

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"Don't you dare talk
to me in 
that incessant and 
mocking tone.

I am not a 
plaything.
You cannot play 
with me one
day and throw
me to your
dog the next.

I am a fucking
mountain lion.
I can tear
you limb
from limb before
you got the
chance to yell.

There are no 
delicate
fucking flowers
in this
field."

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"Someday we will find what we are looking for. 
Or maybe we won't.
Maybe we will find something much greater than that."

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"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."

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"It's okay to be a glowstick; sometimes we need to break before we shine."

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"I fell apart many times. So? What does that say about me besides I live through wars."

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"Sometimes you have to be your own hero."

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"You only love me 
when I am brittle 
and breaking.

Are you afraid
of what I become
when my liveliness
reaches full capacity?

Are you nervous
that I will wake up
one day and realize
that I deserve better?

You should be terrified."

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"Stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love."

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"If you miss someone who does not miss you, or is no good for you, or is unattainable, take all the love you once felt for them and spread it around other places. Put your love in worthwhile people and things, turn the romance into passions for hobbies or admiration for others - enrich your own life. Focus on yourself and those that actively make you happy."

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"Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong."

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"If you find yourself thinking, "Wait. Can't say that. He'll think I'm weird and fucked up." Ditch them and find someone who responds with something twice as weird and three times as fucked up."

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"So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

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"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift."

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"You are allowed to termite toxic relationships. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You are allowed to be angry and selfish and unforgiving. You don't owe anyone an explantation for taking care of yourself."

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"You are the entire ocean. Don't let someone make you feel like a drop of salt, just because they decided they don't want to swim in you anymore."

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"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."

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***** None of these quotes are mine. The people who wrote are said them are much more talented than I, I am simply admiring and celebrating them. Thanks!

Excuses

Excuses

one major thing for me that has held me back in my recovery is excuses. we make excuses all the time, for ourselves, why we can’t do something, failed at something, didnt show up, etc. we also make excuses for other people. oh, its alright, they are going through a lot right now. they are really busy, they had the best intentions. i could go on and on and on.

the same is true for my eating disorder. throughout the years ive struggled, and even more so i would say since starting recovery, i find myself constantly making excuses, both for myself, and for my eating disorder. these serve to keep me entrenched in sickness, and stop me from truly taking accountability of my actions and my own life.

Excuses for myself

My biggest fear in the world is failure. failing others, mostly, although also failing myself. For the longest time i needed myself to be perfect in other’s eyes. perfect looks, perfect grades, perfect family life, perfect at sports, at conversations, at everything. and for awhile i can pretty close to succeeding. (At the worst parts of my disease were when i was the best at hiding it, which is not a good thing. the better you can hide it is often a sign of how sick you truly are). but no one, not even me, who is, in my eyes, supposed to be perfect, can keep a life like that up forever. Eventually, things started slipping. my facade wasn’t quite as rock-solid as it had once been. in little things here and there, i was failing. of course i had failed before, but the difference this time was that now, other people could see it.

Whenever i got to one of those places of failure though, i had a steady, strong friend there that i could always count on: my eating disorder. like the best friend in the world, it was there to take the blame and the spotlight off of myself, and on it instead. well of course i failed, i have an eating disorder. how much can you really expect from me, i mean, i’m sick. Im sorry i didnt get this paper in on time, i had a hard night with my ed. im sorry i cant hang out, my eating disorder is getting the best of me right now.

im sure most of you can relate to these phrases. they are something that everyone in recovery uses, and deals with, to stop from living. Now, don’t think that i am trying to make this out to be your fault, or mine. just like mine was, Your eating disorder is strong. and that is one of the ways it keeps you entrenched in sickness, by isolating you. by making you feel different. by making you feel like you are going to fail anyway, so you might as well not even try. and sometimes these sorts of excuses are even valid. sometimes you really can’t hangout, you just need time to self-care. sometimes you really did have such a horrible night that you completely forgot about your homework. that okay, thats valid, thats perfectly fine and normal and good, and its good to be able to recognize these things and take steps towards doing about it. the thing is, i think we all know the difference between using these excuses to be strong, and using them as a crutch.

Excuses for your eating disorder

The other big way excuses have played out in my eating disorder and recovery has been with me making excuses for my eating disorder itself. This sounds very counter intuitive, doesn’t it? why would i make excuses for something that is so horrible, for something that is killing me?

Well the truth is, an eating disorder does a lot for you. there is a reason you and me developed one in the first place, and it is those reasons that make is hard to give it up. yeah, recovery sucks. Yeah, its really freaking hard. you actually have to feel things. and sometimes, those things are really hard to feel, and really scary. because of this, for a long time i held on to my eating disorder with everything i had, even while vehemently saying and feeling like i was completely committed to recovery.

For me, the excuses generally sounded something like this. “well, ill start eating more when i lose x amount of pounds. once i get there, i will be happy, and then i will maintain.” “i am out with friends, i might as well just eat all of this and enjoy myself, i will just purge it later.” “once this situation changes, once i go to college, once i get out of my parents house, once i get out of this relationship, job, etc. then i won’t need my eating disorder anymore. then things will just get better, and i will recover.”

these excuses sound innocent enough. we are just giving ourselves time, protecting our fragiles selves from the hard and scary reality of life and feelings. but the thing about it is, it is exactly these excuses that are what keep us entrenched in our disorders. every time you make one of these excuses, your eating disorder gains a little more power, and you take another step back in your fight for freedom.

There was a time when i felt so committed to recovery. i thought i was doing everything right. i was going to my therapist, and my nutritionist, journaling, writing food journals, basically everything that people say you need to do to recover. yet, i was still using my symptoms. i felt so much better in most every area of my life, yet my eating disorder would not go away, and in fact was getting stronger than ever. i couldn’t figure it out.

I didnt even realize it, but i was constantly making excuses  for myself  and my eating disorder. i wanted to lose xx amount of pounds, to be still at a healthy weight, so i decided i wasn’t going to follow my meal plan until i reached that weight. i went out with friends a few nights a week, and told myself ‘well, everyone is eating a lot, so i might as well. its not that big a deal anyway, ill just purge when i get home.’

these excuses i was making, mostly subconsciously, were what was keeping me back from being fully recovered. because of them, i was allowing my eating disorder to maintain a place in my life, and to keep it’s power over me. before i could fully commit to doing whatever it took to get better, and completely committing myself to recovery, i had to find a way to recognize these excuses when they come, and to take steps to combat them, in order to not let my eating disorder win any more battles in my life.

          Combating these excuses has a lot to do with integrity, and living a life that is transparent, and of strong moral character. This will be the topic of my next post, but until then, when you find yourself with excuses, ask yourself this question: will this help me to be closer to the person I want to be?

Thanks, till next time!

Introduction

Hello There!

I think it would be beneficial to introduce myself. My name is Delaney O'Connor, and I am an 18 year old girl living in Florida, getting ready to go up to college in Boston in the fall. I consider myself to have a passion for people. I love people, how they act, who they are, the little differences that make each of us individuals. This is one reason why I want to go into Psychology and study people for the rest of my life. 

I have suffered from an eating disorder for about six years now, and am proud to say that I am well on the path to recovery. I wanted to start this blog in order to share my thoughts and wisdom that I have gotten over the past six years, and to celebrate the growth I've had, and the person I am becoming. My dream is to write books and public speak, to help people love themselves and understand themselves and the world we live in. I think that this is a really good place to start. So, thanks for reading, and I hope that you enjoy an glimpse into my mind, and some wisdom and love from my heart.