Fighting Harder on the Bad Days

Some days, I wake up and I feel great. I feel alright about my body, reasonably confident and competent, and willing to take on the day. Other days however, are not so good. Some times I wake up and I feel like crap about myself and my body, and can hardly force myself to get out of bed.

The good days are great. They are happy, free, and full of life. These are the days that someone in recovery lives for, the ones that show us that the work we are doing is actually worth it and paying off. These are the days that we remind ourselves of on the bad days, to help us get through. The bad days feel like the days that you just need to buckle down and get through. You just put your head down and wait until another good day comes along.

While the good days are great, they are not the days that really matter, or define your recovery. When you are in recovery, the most important days unfortunately are the bad ones. The days when you feel like crap, when you can hardly get out of bed. These are the days that really show you how far you have come in  your recovery, and give you the chance to grow even farther.

The bad days in recovery are so important. It is on the bad days that you are able to grow the most. These days take strength, they are not easy. You want to just lie in bed and not face the world. You want to give in to the loud voice of your eating disorder, and fall back into old habits that, for a few brief moments, would make you feel better. This isn’t what you have to do though. Even one the bad days, you get up, eat your meals, and go about your day as if the voices in your head aren’t screaming. You act like everything is okay. You fake it until you make it.

Every time you get through one of these bad days without giving in to your depression, eating disorder, or insecurities, you gain strength in yourself and your healthy voice. You give yourself another piece of knowledge to put in your pocket that you can make it through the bad times. It adds just a little bit to your confidence and the knowledge in your own competence in taking care of yourself.  

Each individual bad day does not seem like it gives you much. It is just a bad day and you have somehow gotten through it and hopefully tomorrow will be better. The thing is though, all the bad days you get through add up to a huge inventory of knowledge and competence in yourself. Eventually, you will have enough pieces in your pocket that you wont need to fight so hard to get through the bad days, they wont feel so bad anymore. Eventually, each bad day gets easier and easier, and fewer and farer between.

That is why it is so important to keep going, to not give up. Especially on the bad days. Every single day, no matter how you feel, keep taking those steps that you know you need to in order to enhance your recovery and weaken your eating disorder. Eat. Practice self-care. Surround yourself with those who love you. Don’t isolate yourself. Work and work and keep working. On the bad days, when it feels like you just want to give up, try to work a little harder. It will be worth it. The harder you work on this bad day, the easier the next one will be.

Keep going.

You can do it.

Thanks for reading.

Some Quotes on Recovery

One thing to know about me is that I am absolutely obsessed with quotes. I love that I can find words that explain my thoughts better than I ever could. One of my favorite activities that occupies quite a bit of my time is searching out an collecting new ones, and the quote folder on my computer currently has over 8,000, and is growing steadily. Today I thought I would share with you all just a few of the ones that I really like, on recovery and living a full life. 



*** None of these are mine, so I don't want to take credit, I just love and appreciate them***

"You Can't Love Somebody if You Don't Love Yourself"

There is a quote out there that says something like, "You can't love others if you don't love yourself." For a long time, I hated this quote. Thought it was complete bullshit. I knew for a fact that I did not love myself. Actually, I pretty much hated most everything about myself. But God dammit that did not mean that I could not love people. 

Okay, so this quote is both wrong, and right. Yes, of course you can love people, that is a basic human thing that every single person on this planet does. Everyone loves. You love you parents, your siblings, your best friend, your dog, pizza. The list can go on and on. Hating yourself does not take away your ability to love. 

The thing that not loving yourself does take away, is your ability to love healthily, fully, and unselfishly. When I was very sick and full of hatred and loathing for myself, I still loved people. I loved my parents and siblings and boyfriend and anyone else. But instead of letting that love add to me and complement me in healthy ways, I used that love to fill the void that my own hatred left in myself. 

Love, especially love between to people in a relationship (which is what I find this quote is often referring to), is supposed to be equally shared between two people, not overbearing, needing, or anything like that. It is based on mutual respect, trust and understanding. It is not meant for you to need the other person, but to want them there because they make your life better. It is patient, understanding, not forced, not dependent (Pretty much, Corinthians, had it right). 

When you don't love yourself fully and completely first though, love for another person cannot really be all of these wonderful things. Without even realizing it (I know I never did when I was there), you use your love of this other person to fulfill the lack of love you have in yourself. Because you can't see any worth in yourself, you need this other person to validate you, to make you feel okay. At least he or she can love you, even if you can't. You tell yourself, well, Maybe they really do love me, and if they do, I can't be all bad right?

Love that comes from a place of self hatred is not a pure or good form of love. it is dependent, overbearing, selfish, untrusting, resentful, cautious, and weak. Even though it is love, it is not the kind of love that any person deserves to have. It is not the kind of love that will ever lead to a healthy relationship. It is not the kind of love that is sustainable. It is not the kind of love that will last trials and fights. It is love that will wither and die because there is no backing of love or life behind it.

If I had read this even just one year ago, this article would have made me furious. 'How dare you think that I am not capable of real love?' But that is not what I am trying to say. I am simply trying to say how important a foundation of self-love is for any aspect of your life, and especially a relationship. You want the best for the people you love, and you want to give them the best of you. However, you will never be able to do that until you love yourself. 

Loving yourself is the best gift you could ever give the person you love. Its also the best gift you could ever give yourself. It is literally the most important thing you could possibly do to have good, happy, healthy relationships, and a good, happy, healthy life. 

p.s. - Being able to write this shows me how far I have come in just a short time. As I said, not that long ago, I vehemently disagreed with this, and it made me furious. Now, not only do I see the truth in it, but I see it in my life. Although I know I have a long way to go in loving myself completely, the progress I've made has effected myself and my relationships in immeasurable and incredible ways. 

Different Universes in Relationships

Relationships are very tricky things. As human beings, our natural inclination is towards companionship, towards joining ourselves with other people so that we will not have to be alone. However, it is also in human nature to be quite selfish sometimes. We automatically think of our needs and desires, and categorize them as the most important. It is very easy for us to think that because we think and feel, act, and show love a certain way, everyone else must do things that way to.

            However this is very much not true. Every person we come into contact with is their own unique individual, with their own way of doing things and perceiving the world. This might turn out to be very different from the way in which you operate. And that is okay. It is perfectly possible for two very different people to be very happy and healthy together. Both parties just have to understand they way the other person operates, and that there are three different universes of self that must be dealt with when you are in a relationship with another person.

1.    The Universe of Yourself

Obviously there is the universe of yourself. You are a unique person with wants, fears, dreams, desires, thoughts, and actions. It is important, even within the context of a relationship, to honor these things. Even though you are with another person, You are still you. Honor yourself, do things just for you that make you happy and fulfill yourself as an individual. It is very easy in a relationship to let this area fall to the wayside, Everything becomes about the two of you together, and yourself as an individual entity feels less important and less deserving of your time and attention. Although this is an easy trap to fall into, it will only work to make you feel unfulfilled, dependent, and possibly eventually resentful of your partner.

2.    The Universe of Your Partner

Just like you, your partner is an individual person with a universe of their own outside of you and your relationship. And just like you, it is important for them to honor this side of them, and not let it fall to the wayside. This can be hard at first. But letting your partner honor themself as an individual does not mean being separate from them. It does not mean you don’t care about all of them and their life, or that they don’t care about all of you and want you to be a part of all of them. It just means that they are honoring themselves, and making sure that they are taking care of all of them, just as you should be. A mark of a healthy relationship is allowing your partner to thrive and be 100% themselves within the context of your relationship. No relationship should be completely all consuming or co-dependent. It is healthy to have lives outside of the other, and it is important to respect that.

3.    The Universe of You Two Together

While each of you is your own separate person, when you come together in a relationship, you form a whole new universe, one of the two of you together. While honoring each person as an individual, it is still possible to come and form something beautiful that is completely together. You do this by understanding the other person, and creating a bond of love, trust, and mutual respect.  It means understanding that your partner may show love differently, or may communicate differently than you do, being okay with that, and learning to honor the way he or she does things. It means sharing all of yourself with the other person, good and bad, and trusting them to hold it safely for you. It means making an active effort to show them how much you care about them, and to keep your romance alive.

Giving Thanks

This Thanksgiving I think it is important to look back over the past year. It has been a truly incredible year full of many ups and downs, and I have so much to be thankful for. It is so easy to get caught up in our own lives and forget to thank the people that we love and care about. So I want to take a few minutes today to recognize all the people who mean so much to me and have given me so much over this past year.

• My Parents, who have stuck with me through everything, eating disorders, hospitals, fights, and all sorts of goodness and bad. Who have loved me no matter what, no matter what I have done to not deserve it. Who believed in me enough to allow me to go across the country for school, and continue to believe in me and support me in everything I do.
• My Siblings, who love me no matter what, and are always there for. I am so thankful for all of the fun and amazing times we have together, and that even when I don't see all of you for months, we can come back together and be as close and loving and playful as ever. 
• My friends from home, You have been with me through some pretty rough and horrible times, and even when I gave up on myself, you guys didn't give up on me. You saw the light in me, and kept me going. I am forever grateful to you. I know that we are going to be friends for life, and even though we don't see each other as often as we used to, every moment we spend together is amazing. We have so much fun, I love you guys. 
• My new friends! We have not known each other for all that long, but you guys already have a place in my heart! You make me smile and laugh, and are there to hold me when I cry and have mental breakdowns. I can't wait to see where are friendships progress over the next few years. Thanks so much for coming into my life
• My new relationship. I am so so so happy and blessed to have you in my life. These past few months have been incredible, and I love every moment I get to spend with you. I am thankful for all of our jokes, how similar we are, and all of the moments we get to share. I can't wait to spend more time with you, and see where the future takes us.
• My School. The past few months I have spent at school have been so amazing. I love the school, and Boston. That city is very quickly becoming home. I have grown so much since coming here, and I am so thankful to be here, and to be at this place in my life.
• My recovery. I am so blessed with how far I have come in my recovery this year. Looking back at this time last year, I feel like a completely different person. I feel stronger, healthier, happier, and overall, a million times better than I have felt in years. I am so thankful and proud of all the work Ive done, and everything Ive accomplished. I can't wait to see what the next year brings me.

These are the main things, obviously there are a million more things that I am so thankful for, and that have brought me so much joy and love over the past year. I am truly, truly blessed, and even though sometimes it is hard to remember that, it is so important to give thanks and praise for how lucky I am!

What are you thankful for this thanksgiving?

Surviving Thanksgiving

Although Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of fun and thanksgiving with Family and people you love, when you are suffering from an eating disorder a holiday surrounded by food can be extremely challenging. This Thursday at the end of November can bring huge amounts of anxiety, and your eating disorder voice is very likely screaming very loudly at you today. I know for me in the past, Thanksgiving has been one of the hardest days of the year, full of stress and eating disordered behaviors. For the first Thanksgiving in many years I am excited to say that I am not worried. I know that it is going to be a good day full of family and good food, and one day is not going to make or break me. It doesn't have to be so hard. Today I want to share with you all some tips and tricks I am going to use today to remain healthily in recovery and keep my eating disorder voice away.

Don't weigh yourself!

I know that it is very tempting to weigh yourself in the morning or throughout the day on Thanksgiving (and everyday!) You might justify your eating disorder by telling yourself that you are seeing how much food you can allow yourself today, or more likely, how little. All this will end up doing is causing you unnecessary stress and anxiety, and make you less than present in the festivities with your family. It leads to even more self-hate and eating disorder behaviors. This is not good on any day, but especially not a day that is supposed to be filled with fun and thanks with the people you love.

Eat all three meals

Another thing your eating disorder is probably going to tell you today is that you have to restrict in the day before the main course, in order to make up for all the food you are going to eat at dinner. It will tell you that if you were to eat all three meals you would instantly blow up like a balloon or gain 15 pounds. This is far from the truth though. If you save all of your appetite for the main meal, you will be so avenged that you are likely to overeat and turn the meal into a binge. It is also not good for your body to wait that long into the day to eat, and your metabolism will slow down. sticking with the routine of your recovery and simply planning dinner into your day as you would any other dinner will keep your eating disorder voice quiet, and keep you healthily in recovery.

Don't count your calories

Along the same lines as weighing yourself, counting calories in not good on any day, but is especially unnecessary on this holiday. You may end up eating more than your normal caloric intake, or than your eating disorder thinks that you should. This is perfectly fine and good though! Counting calories will keep you in your own head and out of the festivities, and will only add anxiety, self-loathing, and eating disorder behaviors.

Have Compassion with Yourself

Today is going to be hard. I know that. I also know that you can beat your eating disorder, and have an amazing day today. But you may mess up. You may not be able to resist your eating disorder. Or, you may, then allow your eating disorder to make you feel guilty and terrible about it afterwards. All of this is okay. There is nothing wrong with that. You are still fighting, and trying with all your might, and you are so strong. But that doesn't mean that it won't be hard, and that your eating disorder isn't strong. You are stronger, but your eating disorder may be strong. So be kind to yourself. Have compassion and understanding for all that you are trying to do. It isn't going to be easy. If you mess up, or feel guilty, allow yourself to feel these feelings instead of fighting them down. Feel them, and then tell yourself how strong and brave you are for fighting, and move on. 

Let yourself enjoy!

Thanksgiving is supposed to be fun! It is supposed to be a day filled with thanks and love and joy, not one filled with anxiety and sadness and eating disordered behaviors. And guess what?! Food is apart of it! that is okay! Food can be fun and delicious, and celebration. It does not have to be something to be afraid of! So let yourself enjoy it! try to say fuck you to your eating disorder, and eat another slice of pie! Have some delicious sweet potatoes, have a roll with real butter! Trust me, you deserve it! and it will not kill you. It is seriously impossible to gain even one pound in a single day from eating a little extra. It will not happen. Even if the scale does go up, it will be water and the food inside you and will go back to normal in a couple days. So don't stress. Don't worry. Just let go and let yourself enjoy the day! You can do this!

Airport Reflections

Right now I am stuck in an airplane trying to get home to Orlando for Thanksgiving. The time is 4:11pm . My flight was supposed to go off at 3:20pm, but is now scheduled for 5:20. As annoying as this is, it does give me good time to reflect both on the past weeks, and the upcoming week.

            It was a hard decision making the choice to come all the way up to Boston for college. I had never been to Boston, had never seen the school, and did not know a single soul in the entire city. Yet somehow I just knew that this was where I needed to be. I knew that I could go to another school closer to home and have a great experience; I’m sure I would have been happy there and end up loving it. But that would have been the safe option. I would not have been forced to stretch myself, or face new terrifying experiences being in a city all alone and far from home. I would never have been able to grow in all the ways that I have been able to over these past three months. I can honestly say that retuning home now, I am not the same person who left three months ago. And I am so proud of that.

            These past three months have challenged me in so many ways. I have been forced out of my comfort zone to meet and connect with people, deal with people professionally in ways I never have, learn how to handle myself independently, And learn different ways of dealing and communicating with people, both in close relationships, living situations, and more strenuous relations. All of these things I never would have been able to do three months ago in the ways I can now.

            Thus far, college has given me a lot by way of my confidence and competence.  I am not afraid to go up to people and strike up conversation, connect to people, speak up for myself, and seek positions of leadership for which I honestly feel I am qualified. I have been able to enhance my own self-esteem, and my own assuredness in my abilities. I have been able to go six weeks or more without any eating disorder episodes, something I never would have dreamed of happening.

            Don’t get me wrong, my time up in Boston has not just been easy and smooth sailing. It has been really hard. I have had days and weeks of questioning myself, low-body image and self-esteem, doubt, and may other things. I have spent much time doubting the good things in my life, whether they are real or whether I deserve them. It has been a fight to get where I am right now. But I can honestly say that right now. I am so happy. And I feel so good. I am grateful for all of the amazing things in my life, and I recognize my part in putting them there and maintain them. I now am starting to see the great things I am capable of. It is a truly wonderful feeling.

            I’m sure the rest of college will not be easy. I will have many struggles and many good times. It will be an adventure and I journey. But now, I know that I can handle anything that comes my way. And I am so so excited for the rest of this crazy ride.

Thanks for reading.