Feeling it in Your Heart

            Not very long ago, I was in a very bad place. I had allowed myself to be sucked back in by my eating disorder, and was once again quite literally drowning in it. My eating disorder became so strong that I felt I no longer had the motivation or power to try to fight against it. Instead I was letting it take over my life once again, and my therapist and parents were seriously considering readmitting me to the treatment center I was in over two years ago now.

            Then, and I’m really not sure how, I had an epiphany. I saw everyone around me worried, scared, and frustrated at my suffering, and I realized that I was the only one holding me back. For the past few months, I had allowed my eating disorder to make me into the victim of my own life, to make me feel like I had no control or power. As a role I had played many times in the past, I fell into it easily and quickly lost myself, and my will.

            But that scared, weak person is not who I am. Maybe I was that person two years ago when I didn’t have the coping skills, the tools, and the years of active recovery under my belt that I do now. Back then, I honestly didn’t know how to fight this. Now I do. I knew exactly what I need to do, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had let my eating disorder make me believe that I was that weak, helpless person, when in reality I am the opposite and had all the power to change.

            So, after this realization, I knew that there was no one that could get me back on track but myself. No treatment center, therapy, or anything else was going to tell me anything that I didn’t already know. I just had to put all the knowledge I already had into action.

            So I did. And it was really freaking hard. Trying not to listen to the negative and destructive voice in your head after it has grown so strong is like going against your nature. It goes against every instinct you have. But eventually with work, it gets a little easier, and a little easier, and your healthy voice gets a little stronger, and a little stronger.

            I am proud to say that today is one month since I have used any eating disorder behaviors. This is only the second time I have ever gone this long, and I am so proud of myself. I feel better, stronger, and freer than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life. I feel like am finally on the road to being recovered once and for all. It is a feeling I didn’t know if I would ever have. It is the most amazing feeling in the whole world.

            There is a quote about recovery that I really love, and goes like this:

“Sometimes recovery doesn’t mean

more treatment

more therapy

more medication

sometimes you don’t need to

learn more coping skills or

make meal plans or

identify emotions.

Sometimes you need

more time in the sunshine

more hugs that mean something

more drunken conversations on a Sunday night

because sometime you can understand recovery in your head

but not feel recovery in your heart.

Sometimes your heart needs a little extra time to catch up.”

            Whatever you are going through, whether it be big or small, you have the power to overcome it. You are never powerless. You have all the tools you need to create exactly the life you want for yourself. Life is to short to be held back by fear. Don't let yourself be the thing that is stopping you from greatness. You can absolutely do it. You just need to feel it in your heart.

            Today, I am so thankful for my recovery, and for every minute of strength and struggle it has taken me to get here. I am so thankful for all I have been given, and cant wait to see what the future holds.

Today, here’s to feeling it in our hearts.