One Month!

Hello All! So this past wednesday, I celebrated one month clean from symptoms of my eating disorder! Having struggled with disordered eating for over six years now, this is definitely a huge accomplishment. I have had a lot of ups and downs over the past six+ years, from stretches of relative health and wellness, to being close to death and spending a month in a treatment facility. I have learned so much though, and do not regret anything Ive gone through.




This past month though truly, has been incredible. I have felt freer and more in control than I have in a long time, and it has been so strengthening and empowering. Here are some of the best things this past month free of easting disorder symptoms has given me:

Amazing Stableness of Body

During the past six+ years of my eating disorder, my body has gone through some pretty fucked up times. My weight has fluctuated wildly up to five or so pounds in one day, I have been starving yet hugely bloated, I have been freezing in 85 degree weather, I have stood in the shower and run my fingers through my hair and had clump after clump come out.
Although these things do take a long time to reverse, over the past month I have already seen so many hugely positive changes. I have not weighed myself in awhile, but my body itself has been much more stable. bloating and the like has obviously occurred, but it has been natural and gone away in a timely manner. My internal temperature is re-regulating, which is important when I just moved to the northeast and will soon have to deal with winter. My hair no longer comes out in clumps in the shower; now maybe one or two hairs will come out and thats all. All of these changes have taken place in only one month free of symptoms, I can't wait to see what more time will bring!!

Hunger and Fullness Cues

I have spent so many years either depriving myself when I was hungry, or stuffing myself way past the pint of fullness, that my hunger and fullness cues were completely out of whack. I honestly have had no idea when I was hungry, until I was absolutely famished, or when I was full, until I was completely stuffed. Finally though, these cues are starting to return to me. The subtle nuances of my body are starting to become apparent to me. I can tell when I am just starting to get hungry, when I maybe just want an apple or a granola bar, and when I am comfortably full. I never have to go past that point. It is very freeing.

Freedom

Food in college is definitely a thing. Its a social tool, a stress relief, and many other things. As I gain freedom from my eating disorder, I find myself more able to participate in these fun activities with people who I enjoy spending time with. A couple of nights ago, a couple friends and I decided at about 11:30 that we wanted to get ice cream, so we went and we got it. Amazingly, I was able to have it and not give it much of a second thought. It was fun, It was delicious, and that was all. Last week around the same time we all decided to go get hamburgers from a local joint. And I ate that with no guilt too! A month ago, I was terrified of coming to college for this reason. I never would have dreamed that I would be able to eat (especially outside of meal times) and feel no guilt.

Confidence

As I gain control of my eating disorder, I find myself gaining control of many other aspects of my life. Its a very empowering thing, when I am beating down my ED. If I can do that, I can do anything! I find myself more able to voice my opinions, more outgoing, funny, assertive, more willing to take risks and put myself out there. For the first time in a long time, I feel strong. I still have days where my body feels disgusting and all I want to do is lose weight, but I am more able to combat those feelings. And some days, I actually feel really good. Its amazing

Guys, when you are trapped in the clutches of an eating disorder, it can feel like that is all there is, and there is no way out. Im telling you though, that is so not true. This past month I have tasted it, I  have lived it! and it is so amazing. My hope for all of you reading is that you get to taste this freedom that I have tasted this past month, because it is so delicious. And I believe that each and everyone of you will. You just have to keep fighting and keep believing in yourself. It is so possible.

Thanks for reading, love you guys!