There Will be a Day

The past week has been so good for me. It has been amazing and thrilling and free. It has given me a lot of hope and confidence in the future, and allowed me to reflect on the future and how I want my life to be.


There will be a day when I no longer have an eating disorder. That day exists, it is out there somewhere in the finite future, and I will get there. This is truly something I believe with all my heart. There will be a day when I no longer feel the need to weigh myself. When I don't strive to lose weight. When I no longer compare myself jealously to other girls. When I absolutely LOVE who I am. When I no longer have a voice in my head telling me that I am ugly, and not good enough. 

When you are trapped in the throws of an eating disorder, you very easily believe that this day will never come. It's impossible. Maybe that could happen for other people, but definitely not for you. You are too fat, too sick, too disgusting. You will never recover. 

But Darling, please listen to me when I tell you that is not true. You will. No matter how horrible you feel, there will come a day when you no longer feel that way. If you actively work to get ed out of your life, you will. It will be hard and shitty and sometimes you won't even want to. But you will.

I've experienced a taste of that this week. I have felt okay about myself. I have eaten, and not even thought about throwing up. I've enjoyed myself, and not felt guilty or stupid for it. It's been amazing. These days, these small times when things do seem okay, are the things that prove that someday Ed won't be there anymore. You beat him for one day, or even one hour. If you keep fighting, it will be two, then three, then five. Eventually, You will beat him for good. 

You just have to fight. The voice will be so strong in your head telling you not to eat that, or to go throw up, or to exercise for an extra hour. You just have to fight it. It will be torture at the beginning, almost impossible, and you will feel like you are dying. But you've got to do it anyway. Because eventually, it will get better. Eventually, you will get to weeks like the one I've just had, and let me tell you, it is so so so amazing. And you all deserve to get there.