"You Can't Love Somebody if You Don't Love Yourself"

There is a quote out there that says something like, "You can't love others if you don't love yourself." For a long time, I hated this quote. Thought it was complete bullshit. I knew for a fact that I did not love myself. Actually, I pretty much hated most everything about myself. But God dammit that did not mean that I could not love people. 

Okay, so this quote is both wrong, and right. Yes, of course you can love people, that is a basic human thing that every single person on this planet does. Everyone loves. You love you parents, your siblings, your best friend, your dog, pizza. The list can go on and on. Hating yourself does not take away your ability to love. 

The thing that not loving yourself does take away, is your ability to love healthily, fully, and unselfishly. When I was very sick and full of hatred and loathing for myself, I still loved people. I loved my parents and siblings and boyfriend and anyone else. But instead of letting that love add to me and complement me in healthy ways, I used that love to fill the void that my own hatred left in myself. 

Love, especially love between to people in a relationship (which is what I find this quote is often referring to), is supposed to be equally shared between two people, not overbearing, needing, or anything like that. It is based on mutual respect, trust and understanding. It is not meant for you to need the other person, but to want them there because they make your life better. It is patient, understanding, not forced, not dependent (Pretty much, Corinthians, had it right). 

When you don't love yourself fully and completely first though, love for another person cannot really be all of these wonderful things. Without even realizing it (I know I never did when I was there), you use your love of this other person to fulfill the lack of love you have in yourself. Because you can't see any worth in yourself, you need this other person to validate you, to make you feel okay. At least he or she can love you, even if you can't. You tell yourself, well, Maybe they really do love me, and if they do, I can't be all bad right?

Love that comes from a place of self hatred is not a pure or good form of love. it is dependent, overbearing, selfish, untrusting, resentful, cautious, and weak. Even though it is love, it is not the kind of love that any person deserves to have. It is not the kind of love that will ever lead to a healthy relationship. It is not the kind of love that is sustainable. It is not the kind of love that will last trials and fights. It is love that will wither and die because there is no backing of love or life behind it.

If I had read this even just one year ago, this article would have made me furious. 'How dare you think that I am not capable of real love?' But that is not what I am trying to say. I am simply trying to say how important a foundation of self-love is for any aspect of your life, and especially a relationship. You want the best for the people you love, and you want to give them the best of you. However, you will never be able to do that until you love yourself. 

Loving yourself is the best gift you could ever give the person you love. Its also the best gift you could ever give yourself. It is literally the most important thing you could possibly do to have good, happy, healthy relationships, and a good, happy, healthy life. 

p.s. - Being able to write this shows me how far I have come in just a short time. As I said, not that long ago, I vehemently disagreed with this, and it made me furious. Now, not only do I see the truth in it, but I see it in my life. Although I know I have a long way to go in loving myself completely, the progress I've made has effected myself and my relationships in immeasurable and incredible ways.