I have a feeling that this is something that many of you can relate to. The issue of integrity is often very hard when you are struggling with an eating disorder, because so often ED convinces you to hide things and lie to the people you love, in order to keep him safe. This is so easy, and it happens so often, that it becomes a automatic go-to response, which can be very difficult to break.
As I have progressed in my recovery, This is something that I have worked on a lot. It is extremely important to me to be able to call myself a person of good character. Yet, at this point in time, it is still probably my biggest struggle holding me back from recovery. Of all the other things I have dealt with on this journey, it is definitely one of the hardest.
It is hard because being a person of integrity means being vulnerable. It means opening up your truth for other people, and letting them do with it what they will. It means being completely yourself, regardless of whether people like it or not. It means opening the possibility that the people you love could be disappointed in you, and that it is okay. When you are struggling with an eating disorder, this can be so hard to grasp. Letting others be disappointed in you, and not having it affect you negatively, is one of the hardest things we will have to learn in recovery.
This is especially hard when the person that is disappointed in you is someone you love and look up to, like your mom. As the woman who has been with me through all of my sickness and recovery, it is very hard for her when I still have a very hard time being genuine and honest. And I completely understand this. As much as, when we have talks about this, I want to just say I'm sorry and make everything better, I can't.
I know I lied, and I know that it is very hard on the people who love me. But in no way did I do it to hurt them. I only did it out of a messed up reflex that kept me safe from conflict, and feeling like they were proud of me and loved me. Anyone who has been in this situation knows that it hurts yourself more than anyone. It kills me to feel like I am not a person deserving of trust or respect. But I am trying, and I am going to get there. Just love me and know that its true, and that I never meant to hurt you.
Along with this, recovery isn't a straight line. It is impossible to start working on an issue in recovery, and automatically be better and strong at it. Recovery is about relapse. It's about falling, and getting back up, and learning from your fall in order to move forward. I am trying. My integrity is something that I am working so hard on right now, and I really do believe I'm getting there. But its not going to happen overnight. I am going to fail again and again before I get there. But I am also going to get back up, learn from it, and keep going. So have patience with me. I'm sorry that I'm not getting there as fast as you'd like, but I am trying as hard as I can.
When the ones we love go through our whole struggle with us, it is understandably very hard on them, especially when they take on so many of our struggles. As I have recovered, my mom and I have shared so many things, and gotten really close. I still struggle with our relationship though. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own issues and struggles, that I forget that you have struggles too, and I should be there for you. I do truly wish that I was there for you more. The truth is though, I need to save myself first. Take the example of an oxygen mask. You need to put it on yourself before you can help anyone else. I think its the same. I love you, and I want to be there for you as much as I can, But I need to save myself. I know that is selfish, but it is the reality of life and of recovery. Before you can truly love or be there for another person, you need to do the same for yourself.
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