Excuses

Excuses

one major thing for me that has held me back in my recovery is excuses. we make excuses all the time, for ourselves, why we can’t do something, failed at something, didnt show up, etc. we also make excuses for other people. oh, its alright, they are going through a lot right now. they are really busy, they had the best intentions. i could go on and on and on.

the same is true for my eating disorder. throughout the years ive struggled, and even more so i would say since starting recovery, i find myself constantly making excuses, both for myself, and for my eating disorder. these serve to keep me entrenched in sickness, and stop me from truly taking accountability of my actions and my own life.

Excuses for myself

My biggest fear in the world is failure. failing others, mostly, although also failing myself. For the longest time i needed myself to be perfect in other’s eyes. perfect looks, perfect grades, perfect family life, perfect at sports, at conversations, at everything. and for awhile i can pretty close to succeeding. (At the worst parts of my disease were when i was the best at hiding it, which is not a good thing. the better you can hide it is often a sign of how sick you truly are). but no one, not even me, who is, in my eyes, supposed to be perfect, can keep a life like that up forever. Eventually, things started slipping. my facade wasn’t quite as rock-solid as it had once been. in little things here and there, i was failing. of course i had failed before, but the difference this time was that now, other people could see it.

Whenever i got to one of those places of failure though, i had a steady, strong friend there that i could always count on: my eating disorder. like the best friend in the world, it was there to take the blame and the spotlight off of myself, and on it instead. well of course i failed, i have an eating disorder. how much can you really expect from me, i mean, i’m sick. Im sorry i didnt get this paper in on time, i had a hard night with my ed. im sorry i cant hang out, my eating disorder is getting the best of me right now.

im sure most of you can relate to these phrases. they are something that everyone in recovery uses, and deals with, to stop from living. Now, don’t think that i am trying to make this out to be your fault, or mine. just like mine was, Your eating disorder is strong. and that is one of the ways it keeps you entrenched in sickness, by isolating you. by making you feel different. by making you feel like you are going to fail anyway, so you might as well not even try. and sometimes these sorts of excuses are even valid. sometimes you really can’t hangout, you just need time to self-care. sometimes you really did have such a horrible night that you completely forgot about your homework. that okay, thats valid, thats perfectly fine and normal and good, and its good to be able to recognize these things and take steps towards doing about it. the thing is, i think we all know the difference between using these excuses to be strong, and using them as a crutch.

Excuses for your eating disorder

The other big way excuses have played out in my eating disorder and recovery has been with me making excuses for my eating disorder itself. This sounds very counter intuitive, doesn’t it? why would i make excuses for something that is so horrible, for something that is killing me?

Well the truth is, an eating disorder does a lot for you. there is a reason you and me developed one in the first place, and it is those reasons that make is hard to give it up. yeah, recovery sucks. Yeah, its really freaking hard. you actually have to feel things. and sometimes, those things are really hard to feel, and really scary. because of this, for a long time i held on to my eating disorder with everything i had, even while vehemently saying and feeling like i was completely committed to recovery.

For me, the excuses generally sounded something like this. “well, ill start eating more when i lose x amount of pounds. once i get there, i will be happy, and then i will maintain.” “i am out with friends, i might as well just eat all of this and enjoy myself, i will just purge it later.” “once this situation changes, once i go to college, once i get out of my parents house, once i get out of this relationship, job, etc. then i won’t need my eating disorder anymore. then things will just get better, and i will recover.”

these excuses sound innocent enough. we are just giving ourselves time, protecting our fragiles selves from the hard and scary reality of life and feelings. but the thing about it is, it is exactly these excuses that are what keep us entrenched in our disorders. every time you make one of these excuses, your eating disorder gains a little more power, and you take another step back in your fight for freedom.

There was a time when i felt so committed to recovery. i thought i was doing everything right. i was going to my therapist, and my nutritionist, journaling, writing food journals, basically everything that people say you need to do to recover. yet, i was still using my symptoms. i felt so much better in most every area of my life, yet my eating disorder would not go away, and in fact was getting stronger than ever. i couldn’t figure it out.

I didnt even realize it, but i was constantly making excuses  for myself  and my eating disorder. i wanted to lose xx amount of pounds, to be still at a healthy weight, so i decided i wasn’t going to follow my meal plan until i reached that weight. i went out with friends a few nights a week, and told myself ‘well, everyone is eating a lot, so i might as well. its not that big a deal anyway, ill just purge when i get home.’

these excuses i was making, mostly subconsciously, were what was keeping me back from being fully recovered. because of them, i was allowing my eating disorder to maintain a place in my life, and to keep it’s power over me. before i could fully commit to doing whatever it took to get better, and completely committing myself to recovery, i had to find a way to recognize these excuses when they come, and to take steps to combat them, in order to not let my eating disorder win any more battles in my life.

          Combating these excuses has a lot to do with integrity, and living a life that is transparent, and of strong moral character. This will be the topic of my next post, but until then, when you find yourself with excuses, ask yourself this question: will this help me to be closer to the person I want to be?

Thanks, till next time!