Feeling it in Your Heart

            Not very long ago, I was in a very bad place. I had allowed myself to be sucked back in by my eating disorder, and was once again quite literally drowning in it. My eating disorder became so strong that I felt I no longer had the motivation or power to try to fight against it. Instead I was letting it take over my life once again, and my therapist and parents were seriously considering readmitting me to the treatment center I was in over two years ago now.

            Then, and I’m really not sure how, I had an epiphany. I saw everyone around me worried, scared, and frustrated at my suffering, and I realized that I was the only one holding me back. For the past few months, I had allowed my eating disorder to make me into the victim of my own life, to make me feel like I had no control or power. As a role I had played many times in the past, I fell into it easily and quickly lost myself, and my will.

            But that scared, weak person is not who I am. Maybe I was that person two years ago when I didn’t have the coping skills, the tools, and the years of active recovery under my belt that I do now. Back then, I honestly didn’t know how to fight this. Now I do. I knew exactly what I need to do, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had let my eating disorder make me believe that I was that weak, helpless person, when in reality I am the opposite and had all the power to change.

            So, after this realization, I knew that there was no one that could get me back on track but myself. No treatment center, therapy, or anything else was going to tell me anything that I didn’t already know. I just had to put all the knowledge I already had into action.

            So I did. And it was really freaking hard. Trying not to listen to the negative and destructive voice in your head after it has grown so strong is like going against your nature. It goes against every instinct you have. But eventually with work, it gets a little easier, and a little easier, and your healthy voice gets a little stronger, and a little stronger.

            I am proud to say that today is one month since I have used any eating disorder behaviors. This is only the second time I have ever gone this long, and I am so proud of myself. I feel better, stronger, and freer than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life. I feel like am finally on the road to being recovered once and for all. It is a feeling I didn’t know if I would ever have. It is the most amazing feeling in the whole world.

            There is a quote about recovery that I really love, and goes like this:

“Sometimes recovery doesn’t mean

more treatment

more therapy

more medication

sometimes you don’t need to

learn more coping skills or

make meal plans or

identify emotions.

Sometimes you need

more time in the sunshine

more hugs that mean something

more drunken conversations on a Sunday night

because sometime you can understand recovery in your head

but not feel recovery in your heart.

Sometimes your heart needs a little extra time to catch up.”

            Whatever you are going through, whether it be big or small, you have the power to overcome it. You are never powerless. You have all the tools you need to create exactly the life you want for yourself. Life is to short to be held back by fear. Don't let yourself be the thing that is stopping you from greatness. You can absolutely do it. You just need to feel it in your heart.

            Today, I am so thankful for my recovery, and for every minute of strength and struggle it has taken me to get here. I am so thankful for all I have been given, and cant wait to see what the future holds.

Today, here’s to feeling it in our hearts.

Love Letter to Myself

This is something that I have had a goal to do for a long time now. A couple of years ago when I was at Renfrew, we received a paper with a love letter that someone had written to her self. This letter shocked and upset me because it seemed like something that I could never feel; the idea of loving my body and myself was so foreign and opposite to me, I could hardly even conceptualize it. Reading that letter though, I knew that someday, I was going to write one just like it. But I couldn't do it then. I wanted to save this letter until I could write it genuinely, and truly feel those things that I was writing. So,  I saved the letter. When I got home from Renfrew, I hung it on my wall, where it stayed until the day I left for college. Now, the letter is sitting in a box on the desk in my dorm room.

I don't fully and completely love my body, or all aspects of myself yet. I don't look in the mirror every single day and love what I see. I'm not perfect, very far from it in fact, and I know that I still have a hell of a long way to go in my recovery. But today, FINALLY after all these years, I feel ready to write this letter.

So here we go. This is probably the hardest post I've written, so wish me luck.

...................................................................................................................................................................

Dear Self,

We have quite an illustrious history don't we? For as long as I can remember, all the way back to six or seven years old, our relationship has been tenuous at best. I have hated you, wished  away your vessel, and actively worked to destroy you and it in numerous different ways. But through it all you have held strong on me, and kept me alive even when I didn't really want to be.

So first off self, I owe you a huge apology. You didn't deserve all the crap I put you through; even though I thought you did. You have never been anything but amazing to me, your body has let me run, dance, do yoga, travel to Boston, and love. You have let me learn, love people, make connections, and do so many things I never thought I would get the opportunity to do. Its pretty amazing actually how strong you are. Even after six plus years of actively trying to kill you, You wouldn't let me die. I guess you knew what was best for us after all.

You have been through a hell of a lot in your short life, and you know that. When pain and difficulty has been thrown at you though, You have never once given up. You have looked that difficulty in the face, and met it with all the force of your will, beating it every time. Even though I know you were scared, felt out of control and useless, you conquered it anyway. No, things weren't always fair. Yes you may have had more than your fair share of crap over the past years. But you have never let it dampen your spirit, or your will to survive and thrive. All of those things will make you able to better help others in the future.

When you struggled, relapsed, and thought about giving in, you didn't judge yourself. Instead, you looked at where you were at objectively and with compassion, trying to understand how you got there, and all the while knowing that you would not be there forever. You acknowledged that along with the amazing emotions of life, there is also pain, sadness, disappointment and despair. You let yourself feel these feelings and thanked your mind for what they told you. You let them pass. You allowed yourself to breathe.

In everything you have ever done, you have given 100%. For awhile, it was self destructive tendencies and pain that had your full attention. But then it was recovery, and love, and learning to live and thrive again. All of these things have been tackled with all of your strength and determination. You have given your all in relationships, school, work, and every other aspect of your life. You have worked so hard at recovery, and come so far. There has never been a question of failure, of not recovering. You are going to period. no question mark.

Self, I know I don't tell you nearly enough how much you mean to me. I know you must often think that I hate you, and that I am ungrateful for everything you have blessed me with, and every opportunity you have given me. Please know that this is not the case. We are so bad at telling those we love the most how we truly feel. But please take this letter and know that I mean every word, and every letter is coated in love.
You are so amazing. You are an intelligent, dynamic, capable woman. You are strong, and brave, and beautiful. You are authentic and honest.
You are enough.

All my love,

Me

This Valentines Day, Let Yourself be Loved

When you don't feel great about yourself, and don't have a strong foundation of self love, the whole idea of other people loving you can be pretty foreign and even downright frightening. When all you see is negative, it is hard to imaging anyone else seeing you as positive and beautiful and amazing. Because of this, Valentines day can be a hard and triggering day.

This year though, it doesn't have to be.

Even if you are struggling to love yourself tomorrow, that does not mean that you are not loved. Even though you cannot see it, that does not mean that all of the people in your life who love you do not see you to be beautiful, talented, kind, smart, and lovely. Trust me, the people in your life who love you think that you are all of these things and many more. 

So tomorrow, let  yourself go for a little while. Let all of the expectations of self-doubt and self-hatred fall away. instead, fall into the people who love you, and try to trust them when they show you just how absolutely amazing you are. Because even though you cant see it, it is so true.

Valentines Day and every other day, you are so lovely, and so so loved.

Thanks for reading and have a great day tomorrow.

30 Positive Things to Tell Yourself When You Look in the Mirror

So often when we look in the mirror, our first instinct is to jump to what we don't like about ourselves. Thoughts of how fat we look, how ugly our face is, how bad our outfit looks, etc. seem to be the first ones that come to mind. Just think of how negatively affected our whole day is when its starts out with such negative messages!

Instead of these negative thoughts, here are 30 ideas of positive things you can say to yourself when you look in the mirror.

1. I look beautiful!
2. My legs look great in these pants/skirt/dress/whatever
3. My face is glowing
4. My legs are so strong
5. My smile is radiant
6. My eyes bright and beautiful
7. I am worth so much
8. I am confident, capable, and amazing!
9. I am happy in my own skin
10. I fully approve of who I am
11. I see perfection in all of my flaws
12. My body is so good to me! Thank you body!
13. My stomach is so lovely and feminine
14. My body is a temple, I want to treat it with love and respect
15. It is perfectly okay for me to like myself
16. Hating myself is not my identity
17. My arms look strong and amazing in this outfit!
18. my face is beautiful with tons of makeup, and equally beautiful with no makeup at all
19. I am stronger than my urges to hate myself
20. I am stronger than my urges to hurt myself
21. My life doesn't start when I look a certain way, my life is now
22. My body is a vessel for my amazingness
23. My body can do so many amazing things for me
24. Belly, thank you for holding my organs and keeping them safe
25. Thighs, thank you for carrying me
26. Face, thank you for shining my soul out on the world
27. My nose allows me to smell. It is perfect!
28. Even if I don't see how beautiful I am right now, so many other people do. That counts for something!
29. I am perfect inside and out!
30. Thank you body for always loving me! I love you too!

When you go to say these things, good chance is that at first you won't believe them. They will sound foreign and strange coming out of your mouth, and it may even make you very angry and upset trying to say them. The part inside of you that hates yourself may fight vehemently for you not to say these things at all. That's okay. Keep saying them. Say them even when it hurts and sucks and makes you so upset. Eventually it will get easier. Eventually, little by little, you will come to believe the words you are saying, until the negative words are the ones that are foreign and upsetting. Eventually, with work and persistence, self-love will come naturally to you, and will be your first instinct. 

If that doesn't sounds exciting, I don't know what does.

Thanks for reading lovelies!

The Myth Of Starting Over

"....You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another." 

When I came to school I had the notion that I was starting over. After all the experiences of high school, I was ready to just get away from it all, from anything I had known or associated with myself. It was going to be a completely different place, all new people, new experiences, new everything. Including a whole new me. 

And I had so many plans for what this new me would be like and what she would do. She was going to be completely recovered, No way her eating disorder was going follow her to college and make things difficult for her there. She was going to be more positive, more outgoing, funnier and more easily able to talk to and influence people. She was going to work out every day and eat only fruits and veggies and feel great about herself. 

More importantly, This whole new Delaney was not going to fall into the old habits that had haunted her throughout high school. She wasn't going to depend on people, she wasn't going to need validation, she wasn't going to lie about how she was doing, she wasn't going to allow others to take advantage of her, or push her boundaries, or anything else. Mostly, she was just going to be better, stronger, healthier, and happier in every way.

Don't get me wrong. I think that college is an amazing time to push your limits, step out of your comfort zone and improve yourself in innumerable ways. Since coming to college, I have been more confident. I've been more outgoing, easy with conversation, and funnier. For the most part, I have been doing a lot better in my eating disorder, and my relationships have been healthier and happier than any in my life. I have improved myself constantly and greatly. But I'm still the same person that I was back in Florida. 

Sure I have improved fantastically since coming to school, but I am still the same person. I still have the same insecurities, the same vulnerabilities and the same weaknesses. Those things aren't going to go away overnight just because I changed my location. A change of scenery can help me to gain confidence to make the changes I need to in my life, but I still have to actively work everyday to make those changes. Simply removing myself from negative influences of my past isn't enough. The old habits and patterns I had in high school were there because, even though they weren't healthy, they worked, and they suited me and how my mind functioned at the time. Even though I am no longer in the same space,  I am still the same person with the same mind. I still need to work to form new and healthier habits.

Moving across the country for school was one of the best decisions I've ever made, but not because it allowed me to start over and become a whole new person. It is one of the best decisions Ive ever made because it gave me courage to make some of the crucial and amazing changes I have made in myself since coming here. While at college, I have been able to put in the work and improve myself in many amazing ways.

So, if you go away to school and are upset that you still seem to be the same person that you thought you left behind back home, don't worry! That person will always be with you. But right here and now, wherever you are, you have the power to change, and to make yourself whoever you want to be.

Thanks for reading!

Self Care Practice: Take a Walk

Walking is a great self care practice because it offers countless benefits, both physically and mentally. taking even just a 10, 20, or 30 minute walk during the day can do great things for your body and mind. Some of these benefits include:

• Getting our blood pumping and endorphins flowing to our brains, which on a purely physiological level can make us happier and more positive.
• Getting outdoors and experiencing the sun, fresh air, and other benefits that come from stepping outside instead of staying indoors all day.
• Getting out of our everyday situation can give us new perspective on our problems, and a new way of thinking.
• Getting outside can also allow us to take a break from the stressors of the world, and focus on cultivating a positive mindset.
• It is a great opportunity to practice mindfulness and slowing down our busy minds.
• It allows us to notice the beautiful aspects of our world, and practice gratefulness for every good thing in our world and our life.
• It makes us feel connected to nature and to the world as a whole, putting perspective in out lives and compassion for the world around us.

Walking allows these and many other benefits, and only takes a few minutes out of our day to accomplish. Heres what you can do:

• Set aside time in your day to walk with no distractions.
• Walk slowly and purposefully. 
• Try to focus on:
• Your breathe
• The feel of your body as it moves
• How your feet feel against the ground
• The sights you see, things you hear, things you smell.
• All beautiful things you pass
• Try not to focus on your life or problems. Do not think of the past or the future. Slow and clear your mind and focus on right now.

Practicing this act of self-care everyday, or even a couple of times a week, can help you to reconnect with your authentic self and put perspective on the rest of your busy life. It can make you feel more grounded and capable of tackling whatever the day has in store for you. 

I hope that this practice can help you all to feel more grounded and positive in the days to come.

Thanks for reading lovelies!

Reframing Negative Self-Talk

For some reason it seems to be my (and many other people's) first instinct to jump to the negative. Whenever something happens that doesn't go exactly as planned, suddenly I am stupid, a failure, and silly for even trying. When I look in the mirror, instead of seeing the good, all too often the first thoughts that come to my mind are all the things that I don't like, and all the things I would like to change.

As ingrained as they seem, it is possible to change these patterns of negative self-talk. Actively noticing when negative thoughts appear in your mind and looking at them without judgment is the first step. After this, it is possible to combat those negative thoughts, and reframe them to be more positive and helpful to you and your growth. Right now, your mind's first instinct is to jump to the negative, but with enough practice and reframing, it is possible to rewire your brain to instead focus on positive and uplifting messages, and have those be the first that come to mind.

Here are some examples of thoughts that I and you may often have, and ways to reframe them to become more positive:

Thought: My thighs look huge in these pants! They are so fat and disgusting.

Reframe: My thighs are strong, muscular, and beautiful! They allow me to run, jump, and do so many things that I love and make me happy.   

Thought: I am so awkward talking to new people. I never know what to say. I am horrible in social situations. 

Reframe: I am good with people! I may not always know what to say, but I am a good listener, and people tell me that I am fun to be around, and that my smile lights up a room.

Thought: My stomach is so fat! It is not flat and toned, I wish I were thinner.

Reframe: My stomach is soft and beautiful! It is the home of all the organs that keep me alive, and so it is great that I take care of it! It is feminine and soft and majestic! 

Thought: I feel horrible and disgusting when I eat three meals a day. I wish I had the self control to eat less.

Reframe: I am strong and brave for taking care of myself and giving my body what it needs. I should be proud of how well I am treating my body by feeding it. My body responds by loving, treating me well, and allowing me to live and thrive. 

Thought: I should have known the answer to that question! I am so stupid!

Reframe: I don't have to get every answer right to be smart. I am an amazing and intelligent woman/man, and No test or school question could ever prove my worth.

Thought: I relapsed! I am a failure!

Reframe: No one expects me to be perfect, and I don't have to be. I am doing the very best I can, and that is enough. I am so strong and brave for trying again and continuing on. I am proud of me. 

Remember when you find negative thinking creeping into your mind, it is up to you and in your power to change it. You can reframe your thoughts, and make you mind more positive and uplifting. We are what we think we are. By changing your thinking, you can create any sort of life you imagine, you can be and achieve anything that you can think yourself to be.

I hope all of you lovelies have a wonderful day, and remember how amazing you are. If you don't remember, tell those negative voices in your mind to shut up, and make yourself believe it again!

Thanks for reading!