Giving Thanks

This Thanksgiving I think it is important to look back over the past year. It has been a truly incredible year full of many ups and downs, and I have so much to be thankful for. It is so easy to get caught up in our own lives and forget to thank the people that we love and care about. So I want to take a few minutes today to recognize all the people who mean so much to me and have given me so much over this past year.

• My Parents, who have stuck with me through everything, eating disorders, hospitals, fights, and all sorts of goodness and bad. Who have loved me no matter what, no matter what I have done to not deserve it. Who believed in me enough to allow me to go across the country for school, and continue to believe in me and support me in everything I do.
• My Siblings, who love me no matter what, and are always there for. I am so thankful for all of the fun and amazing times we have together, and that even when I don't see all of you for months, we can come back together and be as close and loving and playful as ever. 
• My friends from home, You have been with me through some pretty rough and horrible times, and even when I gave up on myself, you guys didn't give up on me. You saw the light in me, and kept me going. I am forever grateful to you. I know that we are going to be friends for life, and even though we don't see each other as often as we used to, every moment we spend together is amazing. We have so much fun, I love you guys. 
• My new friends! We have not known each other for all that long, but you guys already have a place in my heart! You make me smile and laugh, and are there to hold me when I cry and have mental breakdowns. I can't wait to see where are friendships progress over the next few years. Thanks so much for coming into my life
• My new relationship. I am so so so happy and blessed to have you in my life. These past few months have been incredible, and I love every moment I get to spend with you. I am thankful for all of our jokes, how similar we are, and all of the moments we get to share. I can't wait to spend more time with you, and see where the future takes us.
• My School. The past few months I have spent at school have been so amazing. I love the school, and Boston. That city is very quickly becoming home. I have grown so much since coming here, and I am so thankful to be here, and to be at this place in my life.
• My recovery. I am so blessed with how far I have come in my recovery this year. Looking back at this time last year, I feel like a completely different person. I feel stronger, healthier, happier, and overall, a million times better than I have felt in years. I am so thankful and proud of all the work Ive done, and everything Ive accomplished. I can't wait to see what the next year brings me.

These are the main things, obviously there are a million more things that I am so thankful for, and that have brought me so much joy and love over the past year. I am truly, truly blessed, and even though sometimes it is hard to remember that, it is so important to give thanks and praise for how lucky I am!

What are you thankful for this thanksgiving?

Surviving Thanksgiving

Although Thanksgiving is supposed to be a time of fun and thanksgiving with Family and people you love, when you are suffering from an eating disorder a holiday surrounded by food can be extremely challenging. This Thursday at the end of November can bring huge amounts of anxiety, and your eating disorder voice is very likely screaming very loudly at you today. I know for me in the past, Thanksgiving has been one of the hardest days of the year, full of stress and eating disordered behaviors. For the first Thanksgiving in many years I am excited to say that I am not worried. I know that it is going to be a good day full of family and good food, and one day is not going to make or break me. It doesn't have to be so hard. Today I want to share with you all some tips and tricks I am going to use today to remain healthily in recovery and keep my eating disorder voice away.

Don't weigh yourself!

I know that it is very tempting to weigh yourself in the morning or throughout the day on Thanksgiving (and everyday!) You might justify your eating disorder by telling yourself that you are seeing how much food you can allow yourself today, or more likely, how little. All this will end up doing is causing you unnecessary stress and anxiety, and make you less than present in the festivities with your family. It leads to even more self-hate and eating disorder behaviors. This is not good on any day, but especially not a day that is supposed to be filled with fun and thanks with the people you love.

Eat all three meals

Another thing your eating disorder is probably going to tell you today is that you have to restrict in the day before the main course, in order to make up for all the food you are going to eat at dinner. It will tell you that if you were to eat all three meals you would instantly blow up like a balloon or gain 15 pounds. This is far from the truth though. If you save all of your appetite for the main meal, you will be so avenged that you are likely to overeat and turn the meal into a binge. It is also not good for your body to wait that long into the day to eat, and your metabolism will slow down. sticking with the routine of your recovery and simply planning dinner into your day as you would any other dinner will keep your eating disorder voice quiet, and keep you healthily in recovery.

Don't count your calories

Along the same lines as weighing yourself, counting calories in not good on any day, but is especially unnecessary on this holiday. You may end up eating more than your normal caloric intake, or than your eating disorder thinks that you should. This is perfectly fine and good though! Counting calories will keep you in your own head and out of the festivities, and will only add anxiety, self-loathing, and eating disorder behaviors.

Have Compassion with Yourself

Today is going to be hard. I know that. I also know that you can beat your eating disorder, and have an amazing day today. But you may mess up. You may not be able to resist your eating disorder. Or, you may, then allow your eating disorder to make you feel guilty and terrible about it afterwards. All of this is okay. There is nothing wrong with that. You are still fighting, and trying with all your might, and you are so strong. But that doesn't mean that it won't be hard, and that your eating disorder isn't strong. You are stronger, but your eating disorder may be strong. So be kind to yourself. Have compassion and understanding for all that you are trying to do. It isn't going to be easy. If you mess up, or feel guilty, allow yourself to feel these feelings instead of fighting them down. Feel them, and then tell yourself how strong and brave you are for fighting, and move on. 

Let yourself enjoy!

Thanksgiving is supposed to be fun! It is supposed to be a day filled with thanks and love and joy, not one filled with anxiety and sadness and eating disordered behaviors. And guess what?! Food is apart of it! that is okay! Food can be fun and delicious, and celebration. It does not have to be something to be afraid of! So let yourself enjoy it! try to say fuck you to your eating disorder, and eat another slice of pie! Have some delicious sweet potatoes, have a roll with real butter! Trust me, you deserve it! and it will not kill you. It is seriously impossible to gain even one pound in a single day from eating a little extra. It will not happen. Even if the scale does go up, it will be water and the food inside you and will go back to normal in a couple days. So don't stress. Don't worry. Just let go and let yourself enjoy the day! You can do this!

Airport Reflections

Right now I am stuck in an airplane trying to get home to Orlando for Thanksgiving. The time is 4:11pm . My flight was supposed to go off at 3:20pm, but is now scheduled for 5:20. As annoying as this is, it does give me good time to reflect both on the past weeks, and the upcoming week.

            It was a hard decision making the choice to come all the way up to Boston for college. I had never been to Boston, had never seen the school, and did not know a single soul in the entire city. Yet somehow I just knew that this was where I needed to be. I knew that I could go to another school closer to home and have a great experience; I’m sure I would have been happy there and end up loving it. But that would have been the safe option. I would not have been forced to stretch myself, or face new terrifying experiences being in a city all alone and far from home. I would never have been able to grow in all the ways that I have been able to over these past three months. I can honestly say that retuning home now, I am not the same person who left three months ago. And I am so proud of that.

            These past three months have challenged me in so many ways. I have been forced out of my comfort zone to meet and connect with people, deal with people professionally in ways I never have, learn how to handle myself independently, And learn different ways of dealing and communicating with people, both in close relationships, living situations, and more strenuous relations. All of these things I never would have been able to do three months ago in the ways I can now.

            Thus far, college has given me a lot by way of my confidence and competence.  I am not afraid to go up to people and strike up conversation, connect to people, speak up for myself, and seek positions of leadership for which I honestly feel I am qualified. I have been able to enhance my own self-esteem, and my own assuredness in my abilities. I have been able to go six weeks or more without any eating disorder episodes, something I never would have dreamed of happening.

            Don’t get me wrong, my time up in Boston has not just been easy and smooth sailing. It has been really hard. I have had days and weeks of questioning myself, low-body image and self-esteem, doubt, and may other things. I have spent much time doubting the good things in my life, whether they are real or whether I deserve them. It has been a fight to get where I am right now. But I can honestly say that right now. I am so happy. And I feel so good. I am grateful for all of the amazing things in my life, and I recognize my part in putting them there and maintain them. I now am starting to see the great things I am capable of. It is a truly wonderful feeling.

            I’m sure the rest of college will not be easy. I will have many struggles and many good times. It will be an adventure and I journey. But now, I know that I can handle anything that comes my way. And I am so so excited for the rest of this crazy ride.

Thanks for reading.

Helping Others to Help Yourself

As human beings, often we are at the center of our own little universes. Our thoughts, feelings, and desires are so much at the forefront of our minds that it is hard to see past this into the thoughts and needs of others. This is especially true when you are struggling in some way, such as with a physical or mental illness. We are so caught up in our own problems, that they become the focal point and most important aspect of our lives. We brood and think constantly about everything that is wrong, and fail to see anything else. These thoughts become our whole lives, and there does not seem to be room for any good, or anything other than these problems.

It is for this reason that, especially when you are struggling, it is important to get outside yourself and to think about someone else. Helping other people forces you to find empathy for their struggles, gets you outside of your own mind, and puts your own hardships into perspective of the huge world we live in. In helping others, You are proving to yourself that your hardships are not your whole life, that there is so much more to you than what you are going through. You are strong, capable, and fundamentally good, no matter what you are dealing with.

Along with this, helping people who cannot repay you gives you a certain level of accomplishment that you cannot get otherwise. It makes you feel good about yourself, builds your self-esteem and confidence, and makes you feel more capable than you otherwise would. It can also help with feelings of selfishness that come with struggling; you need to ask for help, so at least you can help too. Helping other people is surprisingly therapeutic.

I’m not trying to make this sound easier than it is. When you are going through something like a mental or physical illness, getting outside of yourself is extremely hard. It goes against everything your body and mind seem to crave, which is solitude and pity. In the beginning, you are going to have to force yourself, and it is not going to be easy. You may have to go fighting yourself every step of the way. But I promise that it will get easier, and I promise you, it will be worth it.

This doesn’t have to be crazy either, especially at the beginning. I’m not saying that you have to go out and join the Peace Corps in order to feel better about yourself. Start small. Start manageable. Start with simple things that you can do without causing yourself too much anxiety.

Here are some examples of simple things that can go a long way:

·      Listen to someone

·      Hold the door open for someone

·      Make it a point to smile at people you pass on the street

·      Help someone carry their groceries

·      Compliment Someone

·      Pay for the coffee of the person behind you in line

·      Donate money to a cause you really care about

These are just some simple things. Once you gain confidence, try some others:

·      Join a group like Habitat for Humanity

·      Go to a soup kitchen

·      Mow an elderly neighbors lawn or shovel their snow

·      Join a volunteer group in your community

·      Donate your old things to charity

·      Write cards for soldiers

These things may seem scary and very out of your comfort zone now, but they are things that will help you to stop focusing on the things wrong in your life, and force you to step outside of yourself. They will help you see your own worth and that you can make a true difference in someone else’s life. Start these things now. Start small. I promise that it will make a difference.

           

            

Body Image and Perceptions of Ourselves

It's interesting how other people can see you so shockingly differently than you see yourself. Lately especially, I have been struggling quite a bit with body image, and with feeling extremely dissatisfied and disgusted with what I see when I look in the mirror. Some days it seems like I could name something wrong with every inch of my body. It is a constant struggle to not let this affect my choices, and to remain seemingly strong, confident, and assured, despite my internal feelings which are screaming the opposite. Unfortunately at this point in time, I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to look in the mirror and love what I see. I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice to you all to fix it and make everything better, I wish I did. I'm still trying to figure it out for myself.


What is really interesting to me though, is that, as far as i can tell, other people don't perceive me in this same way. For one thing, I can see any single human being, and find redeeming qualities about the way they look. Yet I have none? intellectually, that seems impossible. There MUST be something good about me.
Along with this, I have friends who love me and call me pretty, who tell me I am thin and beautiful. I have a boyfriend who frequently tells me I am beautiful, who likes to touch and admire my body. He constantly takes photos of me, and even though I have never seen one that I thought looked alright, he says he loves them, and that I look gorgeous in them. 
This is such a contradiction. What am I to make of this? Every input I get from my own brain tells me how horrendous and fat and ugly I am. Yet, from other people, people who know me and love me, I receive the exact opposite. Do I simply ignore my own head and heart, and try to believe that I actually am the way that they see me to be? How do I do that though, when my own perceptions are so strong?
Honestly, I really don't know. Like I said, I have no real answers. Hopefully in the future I will be able to come back to you with new insight form a better place mentally, and offer real and solid advice.
For now, all I have to give you is advice that I too am working on. Listen to the people who love you. They are the ones that truly know you, and truly see you as you are. We are so blinded by eating disorders and poor self-esteem and so much other shit that is clouding our judgment, we are seeing ourselves through a fog. Someday we can make that fog clear, and we will be able to truly see ourselves as those we love see us. But until then, simply try to trust them. 

An Apology

I'm sorry that it has been so long since I've last posted. Life up here in college just has gotten away from me, and I have been struggling to keep up with all of the things I want and need to do. I promise that this will take more of a priority.