There Will be a Day

The past week has been so good for me. It has been amazing and thrilling and free. It has given me a lot of hope and confidence in the future, and allowed me to reflect on the future and how I want my life to be.


There will be a day when I no longer have an eating disorder. That day exists, it is out there somewhere in the finite future, and I will get there. This is truly something I believe with all my heart. There will be a day when I no longer feel the need to weigh myself. When I don't strive to lose weight. When I no longer compare myself jealously to other girls. When I absolutely LOVE who I am. When I no longer have a voice in my head telling me that I am ugly, and not good enough. 

When you are trapped in the throws of an eating disorder, you very easily believe that this day will never come. It's impossible. Maybe that could happen for other people, but definitely not for you. You are too fat, too sick, too disgusting. You will never recover. 

But Darling, please listen to me when I tell you that is not true. You will. No matter how horrible you feel, there will come a day when you no longer feel that way. If you actively work to get ed out of your life, you will. It will be hard and shitty and sometimes you won't even want to. But you will.

I've experienced a taste of that this week. I have felt okay about myself. I have eaten, and not even thought about throwing up. I've enjoyed myself, and not felt guilty or stupid for it. It's been amazing. These days, these small times when things do seem okay, are the things that prove that someday Ed won't be there anymore. You beat him for one day, or even one hour. If you keep fighting, it will be two, then three, then five. Eventually, You will beat him for good. 

You just have to fight. The voice will be so strong in your head telling you not to eat that, or to go throw up, or to exercise for an extra hour. You just have to fight it. It will be torture at the beginning, almost impossible, and you will feel like you are dying. But you've got to do it anyway. Because eventually, it will get better. Eventually, you will get to weeks like the one I've just had, and let me tell you, it is so so so amazing. And you all deserve to get there.  

First Week Gone!

It is hard to believe that it has only been a week since I moved into my new home away from home in Boston. On one hand it feels like I've been here about three hours. On the other though, it feels like I have been here months.

I LOVE it here. So much. I feel comfortable, I feel welcomed, I feel so happy. I have been working in the IT program at my school, and everyone there is so welcoming, friendly, and fantastic. I love them all and they already feel like my second family. I have been exploring the city on the T (subway), which was really thrilling and exciting. Boston is so beautiful, from the Fenway area, to Newbury, to the North end, I am loving every inch.


And best of all, my eating has been so good. I have caught myself restricting a few times, but for the most part, I just eat breakfast lunch and dinner and hardly even think about it. Its just part of life, part of the fun. The other night we went to a burger joint at 12:30am, and I had a burger and didn't even feel guilty. Yesterday I had a chocolate truffle, then a huge (and amazing delicious) cannoli from the North End, and it was fine. My clothes still fit, I didn't explode, I just had fun and allowed myself to enjoy it. It was amazing. It was easy. I feel like this is how its supposed to be, Easy. Its so different, and so awesome.

So overall, college up to this point has been amazing. Everyone moves in tomorrow, and my classes start on Wednesday, so it is about to get a lot busier and more crazy, but I'm confident that I will be fine, and that it will still be amazing and wonderful. 

I'll write again soon and keep you guys updated!
Thanks for reading!

First Night

Today is my first night in my new dorm, at school up in Boston. I had to move in early for a job in the IT department, so my two roommates don't move in for nine days. neither does anyone else on my entire floor haha. I am pretty much all alone for the time being. 

I did meet a couple girls from the IT department, and they seem really nice. I am excited to get to know everyone better. Orientation is all day tomorrow and the next day, so I'm sure I will get to meet people.

It feels very weird being here by myself. It doesn't feel real yet that this is my new home. It is definitely going to take some getting used to. Moving in today was very stressful, but good. I am excited to see how the next few days go. This is definitely a crazy new adventure, and i can't wait to begin. (Even though I am nervous lol).

I will definitely keep you guys updated as to how everything is going, and one thing in particular I want to write about is food this week, because the dining hall does not open until the 31st of August, so I am on my own with food until then. It will be a difficult, but manageable and strengthening challenge. 

Thanks for reading!

Everyone Should Have a Therapist

I have been seeing a therapist one to two times a week consistently for about a year and a half now. Before that, I saw one on and off, less regularly. I also want to study psychology and work in the field when I am older. So, clearly, I am biased. But I honestly think, that every single person in this world should have a therapist.

Hear me out, I know there is a lot of stigma against going to therapy. People don’t want to feel like they are crazy, or have other people think that they are. They want to feel like they can handle things on their own. But if I ruled the world, around the time every person turned about six, they would be given a therapist that they saw every week or couple weeks. 

If this were to happen, Oh my gosh would the world be a healthier, happier place. I am in no way trying to say that everyone is crazy, or needs mental help, but come on, who couldn’t value from having someone objective to talk to? To help them through there struggles, big or small? To validate there feelings and emotions, to teach them healthy coping skills that they can use to deal with the everyday struggles of life, rather than using unhealthy or self-destructive methods? 

I don’t know, like I said, maybe I am biased because I think therapy and psychology is amazing. I know not everyone feels that way. But all of these wars, all of this murder, hate, racism, stigma, low self-esteem, depression, and so many other struggles that face people in this world, if everyone were given the chance to talk it out with someone, and get help, I really think these things would be a lot more unheard of, and humanity as a whole would be a lot healthier and happier.

Things I Want To Leave Behind in College

I am currently somewhere near Savannah Georgia, on my way up to Boston to go to college. The past five hours in the car, and the nine more today, give me a lot of time to reflect on college, how I want it to be, and the person that I want to be there. This leads me to thinking about the things that I want to leave behind once I am up in Boston at college.  


Worry of other peoples disappointment                                                        I have this very strong irrational fear of disappointing people. It is something that has guided many of my actions over the past free years, and done only harm. It has caused me to lie to the people I love, simply to tell them what I think they want to hear, so they will be proud of me. I have a hard time with the idea that love can be unconditional, and so I have spent time constantly trying to prove myself unnecessarily, so that people would not leave me. This fear is not rational though, and does nothing to benefit me or my relationships. When I am in college I want to live a very authentic and integrity filled life. I want to do things because I want to do them, and they will make me happy, not because they will make anyone else happy or proud of me. And even if people don’t agree with what I do, that doesn’t make it wrong, and that doesn’t mean they won’t still love me.

Unrealistic Expectations of myself                                                               In some aspects of my life, I am very much a perfectionists. I hold myself to very high standards of how I should act, how i should look, what I should accomplish, etc. Oftentimes, this leaves very little room for compassion. I find myself being extremely self-critical, and getting down on myself for every little thing that I perceive as wrong. When I am in college, I want to learn to have compassion and forgiveness for myself. To know that I am not always going to be perfect, and that is completely okay. I don’t need to be perfect. There are over seven billion people on this earth, and every one of them messes up, makes mistakes, and doesn’t things they don’t like or aren’t proud of. Its so normal, its practically expected, and in college I want to be able to see that and have patience with myself. 

Unrealistic Expectations of others                                                        When you care about someone, or look up to them, it is pretty easy to forget that they are human beings, just like you and me. Often when you love someone, or rely on them, you place them on a pedestal of sorts, and expect them to be perfect and do no wrong. Unfortunately, this is a fantasy, not reality. Everyone you love is just as human as you are. They are a part of those seven billion human being that mess up all the time. In college, I want t remember that. I don’t want to elect to much from anyone, and then be disappointed and hurt she they don’t live up to my unrealistic expectations. It isn’t fair to anyone involved, and only harms, never helps.

Need for validation and approval                                                               I am a very insecure person. Sometimes I am able to give off a facade of confidence, but most of the time it is just that, a facade. Don’t get me wrong, that is definitely something I am working on, (fake it till you make it right?) and it is getting better. But historically, I have not been able to give myself much self-worth or validation. Because of this, I have relied on this validation from others. Friends, boyfriends, teachers, youth pastors, therapists,  parents, I have lived by the idea that even though I don’t love myself, or think much of myself, if they love me, or value me, or think that I am good enough, well that must be something. At least they like me, and see value in me. Maybe if they see that it really is there, even though I can’t see it. When I am in college, I do not want to do this. I am going to work to be secure in myself, rather than relying on other people to feel good about myself. I want to be who I am unapologetically, whether anyone approves or not. I want to be with people because I love them and care about them and we both have something to offer the relationship. Not because I need them to feel okay. 

Transition to College

In four days I will be leaving my home in Florida, to go to college across the country from where I live, in Boston. As you can imagine, I am beyond excited. I can't wait to get out on my own, gain independence, and start my adult life. I also can't wait to be in an amazing city like Boston. When I decided where I was going to college. I knew all of these things. I know how excited I would be and how much I would love the city. I knew that going away would help me to grow in ways I can't even imagine yet. What I wasn't prepared for however, was just how nervous (borderline terrified honestly)  I would be.

Although when I decided on traveling across the country to go to college I knew how far away it was, and how hard it would be to be without my family, I didn't realize just how hard it would be leaving. I also didn't realize just how scared I would be to be on my own. When conceptualizing college, it is very easy to only see the exciting parts. I had pictures of myself in Boston, out on the town with all my new amazing friends, having the time of my life and feeling confident and wonderful. I imagined that suddenly all of my eating problems would be gone, and essentially, things would be perfect.

As it has gotten closer however, things have started to get a lot more real. Now, instead of having these amazing pictures running through my head, I am seeing myself sitting alone in my room. I am seeing no body liking me, or being shy and awkward around people, and turning them off. I am seeing my eating disorder running rampart and me not being able to get control of it. 

In reality, neither of these visions are true. College is not going to be some amazing fairy tale where everything is perfect, nor is it going to be some hell-hole where nobody like me and everything is terrible. instead, it is going to be somewhere in between. Yes, at the beginning I may be shy and awkward, but that is expected given the situation, and eventually, I will make friends. The first few days I might end up hanging out alone, but eventually, I will make those amazing friends and take on the city. My eating disorder isn't going to be completely gone, but that doesn't mean that I have to let it control me, or that I have to act on it at college. 

I guess I am trying to get across two things. The first is that it is perfectly normal and okay to be absolutely terrified. Every college freshman is, and if they say they aren't they're lying. It is completely new for everyone, and nobody is going to have it all together the first day. If you are awkward and shy, don't beat yourself up, just remember that everyone else is feeling that exact same way that you are, and its okay.

Secondly, college is going to be what you make it. It is honestly entirely up to you. You could very easily end up sitting alone in your room everyday if you choose to isolate yourself from other people. But if you reach out, you will end up taking on whatever place you happen to be in with an amazing group of people who care about you. Remember, everyone is in the exact same place as you, and everyone feels the same way. You are not weird or wrong for being nervous, or shy, or awkward, or terrified. However you are feeling, it is just part of the transition, and it will pass. 

An Open Letter to My New Body

Dear Body,

You are not as thin as you once were. You no longer have a gap between your thighs when your feet are together, and you no longer have a chest that could be mistaken for a pre-pubescent boy. You no longer have a stomach that concaves inward, or hipbones that poke out and signal your progress to the world. Where you used to be all straight lines and hard angles, now you are curves and soft edges.  No, you definitely are not as thin as you used to be.


You also aren't as fit as you used to be. Before, you had tight, flat abs, and now you are soft and round. You used to have no cellulite, and nowhere to squeeze, and now you have a little extra here and there. You used to exercise hours a day, and now you prefer to spend your time reading or wrighting or drinking tea. sometimes you think of it as laziness, other times self-care. Regardless though, you most certainly aren't as fit as you were.

No, you may not be as thin now, or as fit. There are so many things that you are instead. Now, you are soft. You are feminine. You are the body of a woman, not of a small frightened child. Your curves and your soft edges speak of your grace, and your growth, and your compassion for yourself. Your soft belly tells me that you value a delicious meal, and aren't afraid to skip the gym to make amazing memories, or even just because you know it is not what you need.

You aren't as thin as you used to be. Instead, you are alive with the knowledge of everything you will someday accomplish that you never would have been able to before. These new curves and edges will give you the ability to bring life into this world, to create a little you who will change your life in so many amazing ways. These new pounds will help you to inspire others, to have the energy to move, to speak, to change the world in all the ways you want to. That thin, sick body would never have allowed you to live in all ways you dream of, to inspire all the people that you someday will, or to truly live the life you've imagined. That small sick body could never hold your amazing and beautiful soul.

Body, accepting you as you are now is sometimes really hard. So often I find myself overlooking all of the facts, and all of the knowledge I have of how horrible, and sick, and ugly that old body was. So often I crave to go back there, at the expense of anything, my health, my future, my sanity, or my beauty. But Body, when I really stop to think about it, I know that this body, The body you are now, is the one that I want, and the one that I need.  You will are so beautiful, and so strong, and you have put up with all the crap I have put you through. You are going to help me become the woman I have always wanted to be. No matter how many times I fight against you, you are still here, reminding me of what I really need.

Thank you Body, for being you.

Delaney

Recovery Playlists!

Music is something that has always helped me connect with myself, gain strength and inspiration, and calm down. Here are some songs that I love, and that I think can be applied to be inspirational to the world of eating disorder recovery.

• Songs for when you want to say F*** You  to your eating disorder

• Skyscraper - Demi lovato
• Recover - Natasha Bedingfield 
• Courage is - The Strange Familiar
• Brave - Sara Bareilles 
• A little bit stronger - Sara Evans
• Warrior - Demi Lovato 

• Songs to make you feel amazing

• Perfect - Pink
• Who Says - Selena Gomez
• Believe in Me - Demi Lovato 
• All this time (pick me up song) - Maia Mena
• Internal Dialoge - Maria Mena
• A thing about you - Hunter Hayes
• Don't you know you're beautiful - Kellie Pickler
• Try - Colbie Caillet
• Firework - Katy Perry 
• Born this way - Lady Gaga

Why I am Not Planning on Drinking in College

In about two weeks, I will be heading off to college in Boston. I am extremely excited, and cannot wait to get out on my own, and start to become my own adult person. Going away to college is not magically going to solve all of my problems though. I am still going to be dealing with my journey of recovery from my eating disorder, and gaining trust, love, and confidence in myself. And I strongly feel that drinking will only hurt that, not help it. drinking can be a very dangerous thing for perfectly healthy people, let alone those already struggling with an eating disorder. I know that if I want to truly recover and continue to grow, I need to stay away from it.


So, I have decided that I am not going to be drinking in college. I know I know, this sounds crazy, almost unheard of even. College is a time for exploring, having fun, going to parties and getting wasted. It can seem like these days that is all anyone is doing. But it doesn't have to be that way. There are plenty of others things to do at college, especially being in a big city as I will be. I do definitely feel though, that if I am to commit myself to not drinking, I need to be sure in my reasons.

1. It will only make it harder for my eating disorder

I have only been drunk a few times in my life. It has never been something I have been into, and even when I have, it has been with a few close friends in a safe environment. every time I have ever drank though, I have purged afterwards. I am very worried that if I drink in college, it will only make things that much harder to recover and gain strength, with the added challenge of keeping with my recovery promises while under the influence of alcohol. 

2. It lowers my inhibitions 

Going along with #1, When I, or anyone, drinks alcohol, it lowers their ability to make good decisions, and have sound judgement. This is bad for any college student, but especially one that is struggling with an eating disorder or other mental health issue. It can be extremely hard to act against your eating disorder in a regular situation, but when you are inebriated it becomes almost impossible. In my opinion, when i am trying my hardest to recover, it is not worth it to make it so much harder on myself.

3. It numbs

One thing that an eating disorder does is numb you. It allows you to disassociate, and not feel, or deal with your feelings. Alcohol can do the same thing. When you are drunk, you get a high of sorts, followed by the crash of the hangover, which is similar to purging or restricting. during this time, it is all you think about, and you don't have to worry or deal with anything. You are affectively numb. Recovering from an eating disorder, the last thing I want to do is numb myself any further. 

In the end, its really all about doing what works best for you. I know that for a lot of people college is a time for drinking and having fun, and many people, even those with eating disorders, don't want to give that up. And thats perfectly okay. I just know in my heart that drinking will only hurt me, and make it harder for me to continue on the path to recovery.

If you do plan agree with me and think that abstaining from drinking would be a good idea for your recovery don't worry, its not like you won't have any fun in college. You can still go to parties, you can still have fun! You can:

• Be the designated driver
• Have soda or water instead of alcohol
• Make friends who don't like partying - These people are out there!
• If you do want to drink, stick to only one drink an hour. This way you can still engage in the fun, but you won't get drunk, and will still have your wits about you.

Plus, don't worry about not having fun if you aren't drinking, honestly, you will have more fun! you will be actually present, won't  have to deal with a hangover, and get to watch all the funny drunk people!

Step Off the Scale

When you are sick with an eating disorder, it can easily seem like there is nothing more important than the scale. It is the tool by which you measure your progress, success, and worth. I remember when I was very sick, I would weigh myself five, six, seven times a day. When I woke up, after every meal or drink, when I went to bed. And the number that I found there would be the sole indicator of my mood. if the number was lower, I was ecstatic. I had succeeded! I felt proud, and had a small minute of feeling good. However, when the number was higher, or even the same as the last time I'd weighed myself, it meant that I had failed. I would feel horrible, disgusting, and like a failure, and would restrict or binge/purge accordingly to both punish myself, and try to lose the weight I was so desperate to.

The thing about the scale is though, no matter what the number is that it shows you, you will never be satisfied. When you are sick, the scale will never give you a number that you are truly happy with. Thats why as you begin your journey of recovery, stepping off the scale is one of the most important things you can do.

1. The number will be hard to see

When you begin recovery, often you will need to gain weight, or at least maintain weight, in order to get your body to a healthy place. This will be very difficult even without the scale constantly reminding you of the fact that you are not losing.  If you are able to stay away form the scale when you are going through this process, it will make things much easier on yourself, and will have a smoother time with this transition into your recovered eating and body.

2. the number doesn't matter

One of the main goals and milestones in recovery from your eating disorder is making it so that the number on the scale no longer has any meaning or value to you. That number does nothing in saying how heathy you are, how beautiful, or anything about your value or worth. If this is the goal, and you want to get there, then why would you want to continue stepping on the scale? You wouldn't! And you would want to do everything in your power to make that number matter less. And the only way to begin to make that number irrelevant and unimportant to you, is to stop weighing yourself altogether.

3. Your weight fluctuates

Your weight does not stay stagnant throughout the day. If you were to weigh yourself in the morning, by that night, it could easily be hugely different! Your weight changes with every meal you eat, everything you drink, every exercise you do. Not to mention other factors such as hormones and time of the day/month. If you were to rely on the scale for your worth, value, and mood, like so many people suffering from an eating disorder do, you would constantly be on a roller coaster of emotions as the number went up and down. The changing number in no way means you are gaining weight, it just means you have more food, water, hormones, or other factors in your body.

When you are in the midst of an eating disorder, the logic and reason in this can be hard to see. For such a long time, the scale has been your faithful friend, The only one who seemed to tell you the truth. You could always count on the scale to give you cold, hard facts. To tell you in numbers just how fat you were, and just how far you had to go. 

Unfortunately though, Everything the scale has ever told you is a lie. It in no way tells you anything other than your relation with gravity at any given moment. It doesn't tell you how fat or thin you are, how healthy or sick, how beautiful, how important, how full of life, or how valuable you are.

So, what can you do? I know that getting rid of the scale can be one of the hardest and scariest things you have done in recovery so far. You may have even tried to stay away from it, but it keeps calling you back. There are things you can do though, ways to make this transition easier. You can:

• Enlist the help of someone who loves you, your mom, sister, friend, or even therapist. Have them hold it for you, and ask them not to cave in and let you have it when you beg. It will be hard, and you might get upset with them, but remember that they only love you and want the best for you.
• Decorate your scale with inspirational messages that will help you remember that you are worth more, and to not use it. This can be good when you go to use the scale, and also very therapeutic and cathartic to decorate. 

• My favorite suggestion, Smash it!! This is honestly so cathartic, so therapeutic, and so much fun! The symbolism is so great, physically saying that the scale means nothing to you, and has done nothing but hurt you and keep you from recovery. I would highly suggest this, to anyone who is serious about recovery, or even who just wants to be!