I am currently somewhere near Savannah Georgia, on my way up to Boston to go to college. The past five hours in the car, and the nine more today, give me a lot of time to reflect on college, how I want it to be, and the person that I want to be there. This leads me to thinking about the things that I want to leave behind once I am up in Boston at college.
Worry of other peoples disappointment I have this very strong irrational fear of disappointing people. It is something that has guided many of my actions over the past free years, and done only harm. It has caused me to lie to the people I love, simply to tell them what I think they want to hear, so they will be proud of me. I have a hard time with the idea that love can be unconditional, and so I have spent time constantly trying to prove myself unnecessarily, so that people would not leave me. This fear is not rational though, and does nothing to benefit me or my relationships. When I am in college I want to live a very authentic and integrity filled life. I want to do things because I want to do them, and they will make me happy, not because they will make anyone else happy or proud of me. And even if people don’t agree with what I do, that doesn’t make it wrong, and that doesn’t mean they won’t still love me.
Unrealistic Expectations of myself In some aspects of my life, I am very much a perfectionists. I hold myself to very high standards of how I should act, how i should look, what I should accomplish, etc. Oftentimes, this leaves very little room for compassion. I find myself being extremely self-critical, and getting down on myself for every little thing that I perceive as wrong. When I am in college, I want to learn to have compassion and forgiveness for myself. To know that I am not always going to be perfect, and that is completely okay. I don’t need to be perfect. There are over seven billion people on this earth, and every one of them messes up, makes mistakes, and doesn’t things they don’t like or aren’t proud of. Its so normal, its practically expected, and in college I want to be able to see that and have patience with myself.
Unrealistic Expectations of others When you care about someone, or look up to them, it is pretty easy to forget that they are human beings, just like you and me. Often when you love someone, or rely on them, you place them on a pedestal of sorts, and expect them to be perfect and do no wrong. Unfortunately, this is a fantasy, not reality. Everyone you love is just as human as you are. They are a part of those seven billion human being that mess up all the time. In college, I want t remember that. I don’t want to elect to much from anyone, and then be disappointed and hurt she they don’t live up to my unrealistic expectations. It isn’t fair to anyone involved, and only harms, never helps.
Need for validation and approval I am a very insecure person. Sometimes I am able to give off a facade of confidence, but most of the time it is just that, a facade. Don’t get me wrong, that is definitely something I am working on, (fake it till you make it right?) and it is getting better. But historically, I have not been able to give myself much self-worth or validation. Because of this, I have relied on this validation from others. Friends, boyfriends, teachers, youth pastors, therapists, parents, I have lived by the idea that even though I don’t love myself, or think much of myself, if they love me, or value me, or think that I am good enough, well that must be something. At least they like me, and see value in me. Maybe if they see that it really is there, even though I can’t see it. When I am in college, I do not want to do this. I am going to work to be secure in myself, rather than relying on other people to feel good about myself. I want to be who I am unapologetically, whether anyone approves or not. I want to be with people because I love them and care about them and we both have something to offer the relationship. Not because I need them to feel okay.
Worry of other peoples disappointment I have this very strong irrational fear of disappointing people. It is something that has guided many of my actions over the past free years, and done only harm. It has caused me to lie to the people I love, simply to tell them what I think they want to hear, so they will be proud of me. I have a hard time with the idea that love can be unconditional, and so I have spent time constantly trying to prove myself unnecessarily, so that people would not leave me. This fear is not rational though, and does nothing to benefit me or my relationships. When I am in college I want to live a very authentic and integrity filled life. I want to do things because I want to do them, and they will make me happy, not because they will make anyone else happy or proud of me. And even if people don’t agree with what I do, that doesn’t make it wrong, and that doesn’t mean they won’t still love me.
Unrealistic Expectations of myself In some aspects of my life, I am very much a perfectionists. I hold myself to very high standards of how I should act, how i should look, what I should accomplish, etc. Oftentimes, this leaves very little room for compassion. I find myself being extremely self-critical, and getting down on myself for every little thing that I perceive as wrong. When I am in college, I want to learn to have compassion and forgiveness for myself. To know that I am not always going to be perfect, and that is completely okay. I don’t need to be perfect. There are over seven billion people on this earth, and every one of them messes up, makes mistakes, and doesn’t things they don’t like or aren’t proud of. Its so normal, its practically expected, and in college I want to be able to see that and have patience with myself.
Unrealistic Expectations of others When you care about someone, or look up to them, it is pretty easy to forget that they are human beings, just like you and me. Often when you love someone, or rely on them, you place them on a pedestal of sorts, and expect them to be perfect and do no wrong. Unfortunately, this is a fantasy, not reality. Everyone you love is just as human as you are. They are a part of those seven billion human being that mess up all the time. In college, I want t remember that. I don’t want to elect to much from anyone, and then be disappointed and hurt she they don’t live up to my unrealistic expectations. It isn’t fair to anyone involved, and only harms, never helps.
Need for validation and approval I am a very insecure person. Sometimes I am able to give off a facade of confidence, but most of the time it is just that, a facade. Don’t get me wrong, that is definitely something I am working on, (fake it till you make it right?) and it is getting better. But historically, I have not been able to give myself much self-worth or validation. Because of this, I have relied on this validation from others. Friends, boyfriends, teachers, youth pastors, therapists, parents, I have lived by the idea that even though I don’t love myself, or think much of myself, if they love me, or value me, or think that I am good enough, well that must be something. At least they like me, and see value in me. Maybe if they see that it really is there, even though I can’t see it. When I am in college, I do not want to do this. I am going to work to be secure in myself, rather than relying on other people to feel good about myself. I want to be who I am unapologetically, whether anyone approves or not. I want to be with people because I love them and care about them and we both have something to offer the relationship. Not because I need them to feel okay.
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